I liked setting up Exclusivor as a badass here. This one turned out okay, but I positively cringe when I hear the beginning. It’s just so dorky.

Transcript

It was… a party!!
It was like a party broke out.
The lawyers surrounding my hospital bed were smiling
High fives
There was champagne
Dancing
Cheering
They were excited because I’d agreed
to help them nail Exclusivor
It was a deal
I help them, and when Exclusivor was in custody
Then they would drop most of the charges they’d stacked against me
It was a combination of lawyers from the DA’s office
and a team of federal prosecutors

And I meant it. I’d help ’em. Exclusivor had decimated my life.
I just wanted it back. Take her, whatever. Just return my life.

The party died out and a bit later a nurse came in and said
“Bad news, no more morphine. Your lawyer is making a stink about it.
She wants you sober and clear-minded.”

I’m like, what? My lawyer? “I don’t have a lawyer.”
I mean, any time someone asked me a question, my response was
“I want a lawyer”
Where is Exclusivor? “I want a lawyer”
Who gave you 500 bitcoin? “I want a lawyer”
And, I meant to get a lawyer, but I hadn’t gotten that far
In my defense, the pain meds were pretty cool
I was high as a kite
And, I liked it
That’s probably why I agreed to turn on Exclusivor
Without a lawyer present

Mostly I just moaned in agony and watched game shows on the TV up on the wall
My mom was surely wondering where I was
And also my boss Geraldine was probably freaking out
Someone should be watching my Atomic Lathe, or it would be a disaster
I hadn’t even been arraigned or anything
The cops were probably waiting until after I healed a bit
Obviously they had no interest parading me in a public court room
Looking like a member of Fight Club

I just want to be free.
Secondarily, I’d take a lifetime supply of morphine
Now they say I have a lawyer?
Huh.
I wonder who it is.

Remember that agent who showed me the video of getting beaten by Fishburne?
Instead of being stationed outside my door
Since the party with all the lawyer
He’s been in my room, by my bed
He’s supposed to be watching me watch game shows
But he’s really watching games shows with me
I guess they were worried Exclusivor do something
I dunno. Felt weird though
I didn’t want to go anywhere at all
I was in a lot of pain
It hurt to move
This agent, his name is Benson, looks like he’s too young to shave,
But he’s got the stories of an old war vet
Only thing he won’t discuss is that video on his phone
The one he showed me, where Fishburne is bashing my brains in
Who shot it?
Where did it come from?
Can I use it as evidence?
This agent’s boss came in a couple of times, too
Special Agent Jackson
Jackson wears a permanent look of contempt
The look is so strong that I could taste the smell of it
Benson says Jackson was hacked once.
Hates hackers.

I get it. No one likes to be hacked.
When not watching TV with Benson,
I spent my time wondering, “Who is my lawyer?”
That is, until my lawyer walked in.
Strutted in.

I was eating soup, and had a mouthful of soup
When she swashbuckled her way through the door
As only Exclusivor could
I did a spit take, spitting soup all over the Agent Benson
Exclusivor just waltzed past a group of Agents
Dedicated to finding her
And now she stands next to my bed
Claiming to be my lawyer.
Incredible.

Benson went to my bathroom to clean up,
Which is why he didn’t hear me say “Zoe?! What the hell?”
Benson would have arrested Exclusivor on the spot.
And boom, I’d be a free man.
Exclusivor gave me a mean look and said, “Play along. I’ve got your mom. Act like I’m your lawyer.”
I tried to sit up, but the restraints around my wrist prevented it.

My mom!? Exclusivor’s got my mom?!
What’s that mean? Like, in a locked room or something?
Agent Benson came back before I could ask.
I had told the Feds I’d gladly turn Exclusivor in,
But I had to find out what she was doing to my mom first
Exclusivor looked a lot better
No back brace
Walked easily
I whispered “Leave my mom alone.”
She shook her head and loudly, for the agent,
“Sean, your family is fine. I’m keeping an eye on them. If you cooperate with me, we’ll all be fine. All of us.”

Then she turned to Agent Benson and said
“Please excuse us, we have a privileged meeting”
The agent looked at her and said, “A little young for a lawyer, aren’t you?”
Exclusivor said, “I could say the same, Agent Kiddo. Now get beat it, client-attorney privilege.”
Benson shook his head and said, “Nope, I stay.”

Then Exclusivor said, “Fine.”
And I was like, well she’s not much of a lawyer if she’s fine with that.
Then she just pulled out a laptop – MY LAPTOP!
I’m gonna just say that even though I love my mom.
Seeing my laptop again like that almost made me shout to Benson
“This is Exclusivor, arrest her!!”
But, mom won.

Exclusivor flipped my computer open,
And started asking lawyerly things while typing on it
I can’t remember what she asked, but it sounded like stuff a lawyer would ask
And the whole time, she’s typing, banging away on the keyboard
Agent Benson was on his phone again
Exclusivor said, “Can you turn down the volume?”
The agent was watching some stupid “Near miss” videos on youtube
He said, “No.”
It was a little tense
And a little while later, the Benson exclaimed suddenly
“Oh, yeah!”
I could see his screen
An Airdrop dialogue prompt asking him to accept a file popped up
Before I could tell him to never, even accept Airdrop
If you don’t know what they are,
He tapped okay and a video opened
Then he started “ooo”ing
And he was “aah”ing
He showed me the phone
Someone had sent him porn

After about twenty minutes of loud moaning coming from Agent Benson’s phone
And Exclusivor asking me all these lawyer questions
And typing a lot
And not mentioning anything about Lita, Stoney, Avanta, or Q
And more loud moaning coming from the Benson’s phone
Benson suddenly stood up
And he went to the bathroom
I don’t even want to discuss why
Exclusivor watched him then said,
“Finally. I sent that video to him.
Thought he’d cave a lot quicker.
The video was really a metasploit payload.
For the last twenty minutes,
I’ve been exfiltrating his phone.
Got his, photos, emails, texts.”
Then she asked how I was doing
I was doing terrible, I told her
I didn’t tell her about my deal to turn her in
But, she already knew about it.
She said “They don’t plan to honor the deal. They have a deal with Spain to extradite you for a hack on Banca de Espana.”
Exclusivor would lie about anything to get her way.

I told her that Stoney and Lita had been arrested, too
And that I saw Avanta at work
And that this agent had a video of me being beaten
I started to feel really mad
I almost yelled at her, “You’ve ruined my life!”

Exclusivor didn’t even bat an eye.
She said, “Chill, okay. Your life wasn’t that great before, and now you are friends with me.”
I wanted to said, “Friends?” But honestly, that she considered me a friend was just so flabbergasting.
So flabbergasting, I couldn’t find words.

Then she got up and said, “I’m working on it. I’ll get you out of this.
Don’t worry about your mom, it’s cool. We baked cookies last night.”
Exclusivor left my room, saying she’d be back tomorrow.

Baking cookies? What was I doing?
I should have turned her in anyway.
Boom, I’m out of this.
Get mom out of that.
My laptop would be mine.
I could go back to work.

I decided that I had to set her up
When Exclusivor came back tomorrow,
I’d turn her in, I had to
I was time to think about me

Next episode drops soon, until then, bake some cookies and Chill. Also, check out Exclusivor.com for more.