My dog is trying to get me arrested. Maybe she’s mad at me? Or figures five years in the state pen means the fridge and bed are all hers? I dunno.

It was just after dark and we were walking back from bird-watching at the sanctuary near my house. She's sniffing, sniffing, ... sniffing. Then, she stops and breaths deeply of some important aroma near someone's mailbox. She needs to sniff this spot. Badly. And whatever, it's her walk, if she prefers less walk and more stand and sniff, be my guest.

But that's when it happened.

Something moved in the window we were standing in front of, catching my attention. I looked up and --

And my movement triggered a motion sensor, and I was suddenly bathed in light. The big burly guy eating dinner with his family on the other side of that window looked up and our eyes met. At first it appeared he was going to wave, so I waved; even as I thought "Why am I waving? Don't wave. Don't wave!".

Then, and I saw it happen in real time, in slow motion. The tilt of the burly guy's head as he starts to think, "hey wait, why is this guy standing out front, watching us eat dinner?"

I of course was doing no such thing! We were only out after dark because it was had been hot lately. I was only wearing binoculars because we had been bird-watching! We were only standing there, in that spot, because Jasmine prefers to sniff only things directly outside of brightly lit windows in the hopes of framing me.

I tugged on Jasmine's leash. I growled, "Come on!" but she didn't budge.

I saw the burly guy rise from his chair, which means I was still looking in his window! Dammit. I didn't mean to, honest. I said, "Let's go" and Jasmine relented. We trotted off in a fast-walk that shouted, "Who me? I wasn't spying on you! Just out for a walk here!"

Sigh.

Then it happened again the next night in front a different house, and twice in the next week on a whole other block. Then at two different homes on the same night the following Monday and stupidly, again at the burly guy's house on Thursday.

Friday came, and I noticed all those different people who I accidentally peeped in on during the last week were together. They were all sitting at burly guy's table, discussing something. It looked suspiciously like they were forming an association or neighborhood watch.

All because of my dog!!

So, we trotted home and I pulled out my laptop and hacked together a quick script that pulled in three separate APIs and mapped out different routes near my house, weighted toward neighborhoods with sidewalks and houses with people who weren't about to file a complaint about me.

When I was out the next night, trying one of my new routes, I spotted Barry from the block behind my house. Barry is easily recognizable even in the dark. I was going to ask him if he'd heard any rumors about some new neighborhood watch, but when he spotted me, he crossed the street.

The day after that, at the grocery store, I spotted Carlene from three doors down. She was at the other end of the baking aisle, saw me and turned her cart and hurried the other way.

I began to wonder, "Are my neighbors avoiding me?... Nah, I'm probably imagining things."

But then the day after that, I was buying a pint of ice cream at the Quick Stop Corner Store down the road, and Jonathan the clerk gave me the stink eye. So, I asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

Jonathan's all like, "What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Tank Jackson said you'd been creeping around his place, watching him and his family eat dinner."

I said, "Why would I -- No, that's insane. I wouldn't -- It's just a misunderstanding. I was out walking Jasmine and he saw me, that's all."

Jonathan sighed and said, "Dude, ten other families have the same story; the Coopers, Ben Foster, Donovan from over on Cherry Lane!"

I said, "It's not me, it's my dog!"

"Your dog? Right."

"No, hear me out. We walk at night, when it's cool, but she always wants to sniff right outside people's windows. She's setting me up!"

"Dude, if you think you're dog is scheming against you, you're as crazy as they say you are."

"I'm not crazy. People think Jasmine is innocent because she's a dog. For God's sake she's free to pee right out in public with people watching and no one cares. If I did that, people would complain."

And Jonathan said, "Now you want to pee outside people's windows?"

How was I losing this argument?!?

I said, "No, of course I don't want to pee outside --"

"Tank said you had binoculars."

"We were bird watching! I wasn't looking in anybody's window."

"Tank said you waved."

"Okay, yeah, I guess that means -- but I mean, he saw me, I saw him. I was trying to be friendly. Besides, let's not forget, he saw me, too."

"Dude, he was looking out through his window. You were looking in! He's supposed to do that! You're not."

"I'm not saying he's not allowed. Look, if Tank doesn't want to be seen, he shouldn't sit inside at night with lights on and curtains open!"

As I said that, I thought, "did I just say that?"

I've heard it said that one out of five people is a complete and total moron and if you have four smart friends, that means it's you. You're the moron. I must have four smart friends. Also, I'm no longer allowed at the Quick Stop Corner Store. And not only that, but the entire neighborhood closes their curtains now. Which is kind of what I wanted, but they're only doing it because of me and that really pisses me off!

Anyway, last night, we walked down another of my newly scripted routes, one I thought would be perfect. Near my house, down an overgrown dirt road adjacent to the sanctuary. At the end is a dark, abandoned house. It's straight out of an ax-murder's wet dream. I'm scared just looking at this house through binoculars from a block away. But -- all the windows are boarded up tight. It's perfect.

So, tonight we were out walking and what does Jasmine do? She stops right in front of the boarded-up window and starts sniffing.

I was wrong. She's not trying to get me arrested. My dog is trying to get me killed.