Transcript

M: “Hey man, I gotta stop for a minute.”

X: “Alright, smoke ’em if you got ’em. I’ll call Fishburne and check in.”

Exclusivor, mASSHtrOLE and I were taking a break from climbing to the top of an unfinished skyscraper. We’d learned from Mayor Rodiyenko that Fishburne had fled, but his core team of hackers was still up there. And we were going to get them.

Thanks to the cast — Tinker Secor as Sam Fishburne, Whiskey Neon as mASSHtrOLE, Moebius as Exclusivor

We all wore wireless bluetooth earbuds and conferenced with FBI Special Agent Sam Fishburne. Fishburne said:

F: “When you get to the top, we need you to physically rewire their network. This time their command-and-control is right here in this building.”

X: “Gotcha. What’s the latest on Sindictive’s attack? Is it bad?”

F: “The US has been knocked down to the stone age. Right now we’re relegated to copper-wire phone calls and physically being onsite in front of a terminal. But every NATO-based CERT is working with Cyber Command trying to mitigate.”

X: “You want us to come back down and help?”

F: “No. Keep going.”

M: “Man, my knee hurts already.”

D: “Hey, Fishburne. How are my parents doing at your house?”

F: “Good. Loretta and my daughters are enjoying them. So, focus on getting up to that penthouse.”

M: “My knee hurts already. I don’t think I can continue.”

X: “Ah, you’ll be fine, mASSHtrOLE. Fishburne, keep us posted.”

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We dropped the conference call to save batteries.

X: “Alright, let’s go.”

M: “Wait a minute, man. You’re not my boss.”

X: “I don’t have time to argue. On your feet.”

We started climbing again. If it were a finished skyscraper and mASSHtrOLE wasn’t limping, it would take maybe twenty minutes to climb to the top. As it was, the stairwells were completed only on staggered ends of the building. So, we climbed, walked through an unfinished floor to the other end of the building, and climbed again. We stopped for a break every-other floor so mASSHtrOLE could rest his knee.

On the break on the twenty-third floor, mASSHtrOLE said, (M:) “Look, I get why you need me, but I’m just not going to be able to continue.”

X: “Yes you are.”

M: “I don’t like being told what to do.”

X: “Do it for your country.”

M: “I’m Canadian, man.”

X: “No you aren’t.”

M: “I know what you can do, Exclusivor.”

D: “mASSHtrOLE -“

M: “I want her to give the story about her BASE-jump hack.”

X: “I’ve already told you –”

M: “On the record! You tell the story, and I record it on my phone.”

X: “Todd -“

M: “I’d be a god on the Dark World Forums if I got the saga from the ‘legend’ herself, man.”

X: “Okay, I promise I will sit and tell you all about it when we are done here.”

M: “No, I want it right now. I’m going to record a video on my phone.”

X: “We need to keep climbing.”

M: “Okay… you tell me the story during breaks. Deal?”

X: “It’s too dark for your phone to record anything. The acoustics –”

M: “Deal?”

X: “Fine. Deal.”

So, on the twenty-fifth floor, mASSHtrOLE recorded while Exclusivor explained how she ascertained Sindictive had executed her brother. Exclusivor swore she was gonna make it World War Four.

After weeks of hacking and digging, she found little more than murmured mysteries, whispered histories, and had barely any victories.

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On the twenty-seventh and twenty-ninth floors…

Exclusivor discussed her discovery that Sindictive was detected in Texas. And she learned major telecom commanded the top three floors of a downtown Dallas tech palace.

According to her analysis, all information in and out of North Texas flowed through the top three floors of the Bank of America building, the second tallest skyscraper in the South.

(X:) “I’d discovered the one central position in which the NSA could listen in.”

This was Exclusivor’s first big mission win, an omniscient position in which to intercept transmission.

All she had to do was tap into the bug the NSA had surely already wired in it’s place.

On the thirty-first and thirty-third Exclusivor said scouting was common sense, so she ate in their restaurants to do reconnaissance. She watched virtual building tours on youtube, partied at the private nightclub near the top and attended meetings with businesses leasing space.

She got the vibe of the place.

She devised and revised and strategized in case.

But there was an obstacle.

X: “How could I get back down without a trace?”

She knew she could get in past security. She had a plan for concealing an exfiltration device. She could handle the adrenaline but had no idea how to escape down seventy two floors unnoticed again.

X: “But then…”

On the thirty-fifth floor, Exclusivor said, (X:) “One night, I was drunk in the City Club -” … (D:) “The city club is a private nightclub” … “staring out the window down at Dallas below. The downtown is small, there is a lot of open space around it. A lot.

And it hit me.

I would just jump.”

mASSHtrOLE’s excitement grew. On the thirty-ninth floor, Exclusivor lit a cigarette and described learning about B.A.S.E jumping, and about taking sky-diving classes near Fort Worth. She watched Youtube videos about B.A.S.E. jumping, about how to calculate the size of the specialized pilot chute; how to pack it; how to judge the wind, and then… she climbed a radio tower near Amarillo.

X: “It was torture going up, climbing that little skeleton of a ladder.

It was windy.

The tower swayed.

It took all of my nerve. I puked once. The heights were one thing, but the tower swayed so much that I got motion-sick, too.

I got the pilot chute in my hand. And I held on there, trying to summon the nerve to let go.

Fall from the wrong side and the chute would tangle with the tower and the dance would be done. So I climbed around to the downwind side.

I got the rhythm of the swaying.

Back and forth, back and forth. Feel it.

The pilot chute pulls out my main chute. I had to push off at the right time, then, while I fell, I had to pause a beat to clear the tower, then throw the pilot chute out away from me. “

M: “Holy fuck, man! This shit is gold!”

X: “Okay, let’s keep climbing.”

M: “Wait, how was the landing?”

X: “It ended up being no problem. Piece of cake.”

M: “Whoa.”

On the forty-first, Exclusivor went to a corner and peed. While she was away, mASSHtrOLE said (M:), “This is incredible. I have fucking Exclusivor on video, dude. I’m gonna get laid so much from this.”

D: “What about Preature?”

M: “She’s into it.”

Before we climbed again, Exclusivor described the notorious and extreme Dallas Spring wind, but how she was in a hurry, so, in late March, 2016, she partied at the City Club five nights in a row and slowly stashed more and more gear in the ceiling panels of the lady’s room. Then…

Resting on the forty-third floor, Exclusivor said, (X:) “So, I met a Ken Doll, he got me into the City Club. About 1am, I abandoned him, climbed into the ceiling in the lady’s room and waited.

It was 3am when I dropped back out.

I changed into my jump suit.

I climbed the final three floors, at one point having to go up over a railing on the outside. That sucked even more than the Amarillo radio tower.

The comm room was just as I hoped. The NSA wasn’t even trying to be discreet. Since it was so physically difficult to get in there, they had literally no on-site security. I planted my drop box on a NAC-less port and stashed it behind a nest of wires. Then…”

Then, she had to get back down. She planned to jump.

On the forty-fifth floor, we took our last break. The penthouse was next. I was nervous.

I told them I had to pee and went behind a pallet of cinder-blocks. Exclusivor came over smoking a cigarette. I said, (D:) “Whoa, I’m taking a leak here.” She walked right up and said, (X:) “I don’t understand you.”

D: “Whaddya mean?”

X: “If I was a guy, I’d be pissing off the side of the building. You’re passing up a golden opportunity.”

D: “No way I’m getting that close to the edge. I don’t even know how you climbed that radio tower. Damn.”

She was close enough I could see her roll her eyes, even in the dark. She said, X: “Hey, have you spoken to Sam about the DoE job?”

D: “Uh, not quite.”

X: “Do it. I want you working there as soon as all this wraps up.”

I … wanted to protest – but… I just nodded. I could hear my own voice waver when I said, (D:) “One more floor to go.”

Exclusivor nodded and flicked her cigarette over the side of the building. We walked back over to mASSHtrOLE. He said:

M: “Okay, one last video about the jump. This is fucking awesome shit, man. I’m gonna get some respect now. I bet they make me a forum moderator.”

X: “No, we’ve wasted enough time, I’ll finish the story after we’re back down at the bottom. We’re rested. We’re ready. It’s time. Let’s go.”

During the climb we found about half the levels were secured by a fence welded in place, blocking the stairwell. Each had a gate secured with a hefty padlock. The first couple of gates, we alternated picking the lock, but it was slow. On the thirteenth floor, we found a rusty bolt cutter and carried it with us from there.

The bolt cutters snapped the final padlock in a heartbeat. Exclusivor and I started up the stairwell to the penthouse. She turned and said, (X:) “Come on, Todd.”

M: “I’m not moving until I have the final chapter of the story, man.”

I was kind of rooting for mASSHtrOLE here. I knew Exclusivor would never give him the rest of the story. No way she wanted a video like that making the rounds.

X: “Later, Todd, the West is in chaos right now. This has taken us long enough.”

M: “You’re the one delaying it.”

Exclusivor glared at him, then snapped. She walked over and said, (X:) “Get out your phone then. Let’s do this.”

mASSHtrOLE had bested Exclusivor. I was amazed. She finished the story.

X: “I stood at the railing on that 75th floor for probably ten minutes. I tried to find any way I could get out of that building without jumping, but I knew that I would be spotted a hundred ways to the sun and my drop-box would be found and I would lose any chance I had of finding Sindictive. I sucked it up, and I jumped. There you go.”

M: “Come on, man. What about the landing?”

X: “We are wasting time! Fine. I, uh, I threw my pilot chute too early. It snagged and got twisted. It partially opened but my descent was too fast. I was out of control and it was windy. I got disoriented, and I thought I was going to – die.”

X: “I remember falling. Tumbling head over heels and realizing he was going to get away with it. Sindictive wouldn’t pay for killing Sergei. I had failed.”

X: “But, a miracle: my chute suddenly deployed, just in time. And it was right then that I knew I was destined to get my revenge. And now Sindictive’s entire team is one floor above me. I’m going to pummel each one of them until they tell me where Sindictive is. Let’s fucking go!”

M: “What about Claire, man? What’d you do to Claire? The Dark World forums say you murdered –”

X: “Todd, there is no way you can share all these recordings with your buddies on Dark World if I throw you and your fucking phone off this building.”

M: “Okay, man. Let’s go already.”

I was nervous as we crept up the stairs onto the Penthouse level. We barricaded the exit, but no one was going to get out that way anyway.

The penthouse was incredible. Just beautiful, opulent. A helipad, rose garden, heated pool, driving range, putting green, an outdoor theater, a dance floor.

We stopped and conferenced with Fishburne again. Fishburne said, (F:) “I’m not expecting much security in the penthouse. Just hackers. Most of the Mayor’s bodyguard are down here at ground level.”

mASSHtrOLE had examined the helicopter. He said, M: “Their chopper is an EC-130-T2. Max seating is seven including the pilot. That means four trips, maybe five, if they want everybody.”

X: “No one leaves this rooftop. Not the hackers, not the Mayor.”

Exclusivor pointed at the helicopter and whispered (X:) “Get it disabled. When you are done, let me and Sam know. I’m going to secure the mayor so he can’t make any phone calls. D, after that, cut their power.”

She took a deep breath, exhaled and said, (X:) “Go.”

mASSHtrOLE and I crept to the helipad and I kept watch while mASSHtrOLE gracefully slid underneath the low helicopter and opened a panel and started surgically slicing wires and hoses. Two minutes later he slid out and smiled broadly. I whispered into my earbuds: (D:) “Helicopter is disabled.” mASSHtrOLE said, (M:) “This is so cool; I’ve always wanted to sabotage something!”

We went through the door Exclusivor had gone through, then followed a trunk of networking cable. The cables were zip-tied together, about as thick as my thigh, and prevented doors from closing. It was lucky for us, as it prevented them from arming security alarms.

Then, we found their Ops Floor in what appeared to be a nightclub. We walked right in. I saw the Mayor talking to a man in the middle of the floor. There was a disco ball and columns of speakers. Sindictive’s hacker army was hunched over computers like abused robots. I could see my own reflection in the mirrors lining the walls.

And in the mirror, I saw the look on my face when I saw her.

She was beautiful… No… Gorgeous. Endlessly smart. Just seeing her reminded me why I had fallen in love with her. But wait. Why is she here? My head spun, I felt disoriented. No, this is all wrong.

mASSHtrOLE whispered (M:) “You okay, man? Looks like you saw a ghost.”

Not a ghost, but someone who shouldn’t be there. I stood up. mASSHtrOLE grabbed my arm. (M:) “What are you doing?”

I walked right into the middle of the room. I said, “Avanta?”

She looked up, and her face fell.

I meant to speak, but I couldn’t. Avanta, here? Helping Sindictive again!? All I could say was, “Baltimore.”

Chaos engulfed us as I realized the man in the middle of the room was Sindictive! The Mayor had lied! Exclusivor flew into the room, yelling at the Mayor, who started yelling something in Ukrainian. Sindictive grabbed Avanta’s arm and they ran.

I couldn’t move.

Avanta had returned to Sindictive. I thought she was in love with me. I thought she was in a Baltimore hospital.

Baltimore.

Next thing I knew, Exclusivor was streaking past me, yelling (X:) “Cut the power, D! Hurry!” I looked at mASSHtrOLE and said (D:), “Todd, cut the power, I gotta do this!”

I followed Exclusivor, who was chasing Sindictive and the others toward the helicopter. The Mayor was in the pilot seat trying to start it. One of Sindictive’s hackers tripped and fell. I hurdled her. I saw Sindictive run right past the helicopter without a glance. Exclusivor was ten seconds behind then me five seconds later.

Sindictive pulled Avanta through a door on the far side of the roof.

As I sprinted past the disabled helicopter, I looked at Mayor Rodiyenko and yelled, “You’ve been pwned by mASSHtrOLE!” Right as I said it, the bright lights from the helipad cut and we were plunged into darkness.

Then, I got to the door. I opened it and crept in. It was dark and I was blind.

What was Avanta doing back with Sindictive? Fuck me. I should have never left her in Baltimore.

A voice beside me said, (X:) “D, this is fucking great. The Mayor lied. Sindictive is here.”

I said to the darkness, (D:) “And Avanta.”

X: “I saw that. No wonder this attack was so well planned. But we’ve got them cornered. The only way down is those stairs. Fuck yeah. We got ’em!”

Just then, down a long hallway, another door opened. I saw the moon through the doorway, then the outlines of two figures exiting. Exclusivor and I jumped up and ran. Down the hallway, through the door, out onto a rooftop garden. I looked left, then right. On the fringe of the garden, on the top of the thick marble parapet, on the edge of the roof… stood Avanta and Sindictive, facing us.

On the edge. No, no, no, no! I saw Avanta glance over the edge of the building, just inches from where she stood.

Sindictive said (S:, as though talking to someone fifty feet away), “Stay where you are, or we’ll jump.”

Exclusivor started walking. She said (X:), “Go ahead, jump, Sindictive. I don’t care if you die.”

I grabbed Exclusivor’s arm and shouted, (D:) “No, no, no! Avanta is petrified of heights. Don’t.”

X: “Relax, they aren’t going to —”

It happened in an instant. I saw Avanta peek at the ground, almost two hundred meters below. I saw her shudder. I couldn’t tell if her legs gave out… or if she jumped… no, no way. Sindictive pushed her. His arm extended. I saw his arm extend. I saw it. Avanta fell. Sindictive grinned. This big, wide, smile. Avanta grasped at him, grasped at the building, at anything, at nothing.

And, I tried to run, I swear I tried to run. But my legs wouldn’t let my eyes see her die.

I felt Exclusivor’s hate. Sindictive had killed her brother. I hadn’t understood how it felt. I had never felt this kind of – I want to say I had never felt such a loss, but what I gained was hate.

Sindictive said, (S:) “See, I told you we’d jump.”

(D:) “You pushed her!”

S: “Eh – pushed, jumped?”

We stood in a standoff for a moment. Sindictive smiling widely.

We couldn’t let him jump to his death. I needed to strangle him myself.

Then, slowly, like someone flopping backward into a snowbank, Sindictive leaned back and … fell. I yelled, (D:) “Noooo!!”. Exclusivor and I broke into a sprint. But we were too late. Sindictive fell casually, carelessly, coolly. In a cloud of frustrating nonchalance, Sindictive disappeared over the edge.

I should have been relieved it was over. Sindictive was finally done. But I was pissed. I didn’t want to just see him die. I wanted to feel the air leaving as I squeezed the last breath from his lungs. I wanted to hear him gasp as I blocked any breath from again entering.

Exclusivor and I raced to the parapet, we looked over the side of the building, and we watched as two parachutes floated down in the dark sky. Down to a field below.

X: “MoTHERFuCKER!”

I couldn’t believe it. My heart pounded! I could dance. I grabbed Exclusivor and yelled, “She’s alive!” I watched as both canopies glided toward the ground.

I’d never seen Exclusivor look so angry. Scratch that. I’ve never seen anyone look so angry. Sindictive had won again.

The next thing I knew mASSHtrOLE joined us at the edge. He had his phone out and was recording Sindictive and Avanta landing in a field across the street.

M: “Holy shit, they BASE-jumped, too?! Epic! I can’t believe I got this on video! I’m gonna be a fucking Dark World celebrity!”

Exclusivor reached across me and smacked the phone out of mASSHtrOLE’s hand. Seconds passed like minutes and we watched, by the faintest of streetlights far below, and we saw the phone land and silently burst into pieces.

Exclusivor said, (X:) “Whelp. I guess you’re not going to make moderator now.”

Exclusivor stalked away. I put my arm around mASSHtrOLE and we both sank back onto the rooftop. He looked as stunned as I felt.

Exclusivor is written, produced and composed by Hans Anderson, with music in this episode from Sinima Beats.

1000

Transcript

Sindictive had marched out armies of botnets to DDOS the West. And, the attack was working. My team had to advance or people were going to be dying by the thousands. Entire economies might collapse.

M: “Now I’m seeing the Imperial Crusader and Deatheater botnets coming online.”

F: “Two more? Jesus.”

X: “That’ll put them over twenty terabits per second.”

M: “Fucking massive.”

Thanks to the cast — Tinker Secor as Sam Fishburne, Whiskey Neon as mASSHtrOLE, Moebius as Exclusivor

It was Chaos in Kiev. Sindictive had begun DDOSing important Internet infrastructure. He targeted entire sectors of the US economy. Terabytes of junk traffic flooded DNS and web servers, taking down hospitals, news organizations, government sites, grocery stores. In addition, entire hospital networks were crypto-lockered.

Exclusivor had hacked Sindictive’s phone and we knew from the exfiltration that he had much more planned. Fishburne was on the phone with the Mayor of Kiev.

F: “Zoe! Mayor Rodiyenko got a location on Sindictive.”

X: “Are they going in?”

F: “I’ll check” (for bg, into phone: “Rodiyenko – ty vidpravlyayesh svoyikh soldativʹ? – Rodiyenko – are you sending in your bodyguard?”)

I saw Fishburne listen for a moment. Then, he stood up and shouted into his phone. (F: – in frustration) “Ahh!! ty ne mozhesh tsʹoho zrobyty, mudaku! // ти не можеш цього зробити, мудаку! // you can’t do that, asshole!”

Exclusivor looked at me and said, (X: deadpan) “I’ll take that as a, ‘No’.”

Then, Lita called. I walked into a hallway and answered it.

L: “It’s been fucking chaos here. For a day nothing worked but a land-line and over-the-air TV.”

D: “Wow, back to the 80s”.

L: “More like the 40s. I don’t have a land-line or a TV antenna.”

I told Lita it was likely to get worse. I made the mistake of mentioning Exclusivor, who Lita had been researching for the last couple of weeks.

L: “You know, I downloaded Tor and have been hitting some dot-onion sites and damn, the rumors about her are crazy.”

D: “Internet rumors are always crazy.”

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L: “You ever see that stuff on youporn?”

D: “Any Exclusivor video on youporn is a deep fake. Not real.”

L: “Looks real.”

D: “Kind of the point.”

L: “Okay, I’ll take your word for it. But damn.”

D: “You need to meet Exclusivor someday. She’ll win you over.”

L: “Eh. I gotta go, though. I need to make a few more calls.”

We hung up and I returned to the Ops Floor. Exclusivor said, (X:) “Hey, I’m getting 404s everywhere. Are we down?”

M: “Yeah, man, it appears that we are.”

X: “What happened?”

M: “I dunno.”

X: “What did you do last?”

M: “The botnet’s command and control server just rotated, so I added the new IP to the sinkhole.”

X: “Wait, you did this entry – 203.17.113.97?”

M: “That’s the one.”

X: “You dumbass. You added our IP!”

M: “We’re the C&C?”

X: “No, you dum – Holy shit!”

M: “Holy shit! It can’t be.”

Why was our IP in the round robin for a botnet command and control? Uh…

So, we were on the first floor of an unfinished skyscraper in Kiev. We were working with CISA and CYBERCOM to mitigate the biggest botnet attack ever. It was as though half the internet was DDOSing the other half. The malware code connected to a command and control that returned instructions, and with it, a pool of IPs to check for the next C&C. One of the IPs was our own.

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X: “Sindictive gave us a bullet and we shot ourselves in the foot.”

M: “Yup. He sent our IP out as part of the C&C round robin and when I added it to the sinkhole, boom. Brilliant move, man.”

X: “He’s a murderer, Todd.”

M: “I said ‘brilliant move,’ not ‘brilliant man.'”

Fishburne came into the room. He said: (F:) “Alright, status update. CYBERCOM says this was a coordinated SYN flood on port 53. They prepended junk subdomains at known authoritative servers. Not sure why that matters.”

X: “It forces cache-miss lookups. Wastes CPU cycles.”

F: “At any rate, most of the dot-govs are back, as well as Fox, CNN, BBC, et cetera. Right before, tons of hospitals were crypto-lockered. But, it looks like it’s over.”

M: “That’s it, man? That’s all Sindictive’s got?”

X: “It can’t be.”

F: “Well, maybe Sindictive is slipping.”

D: “I don’t think he’s slipping.”

F: “Hey, give yourself credit. We rocked that motherfucker!”

X: “That was script-kiddie shit.”

F: “It was the biggest DDOS ever – 20 hours, 20 terabits-a-second – and we stopped it cold.”

M: “There’s got to be more.”

F: “No other security team could even get online.”

D: “We were lucky to be outside the US.”

F: “Let’s celebrate – I’ll get some fucking steaks and beers! I’m going to make some calls.”

Fishburne walked off, dialing his phone. Then my phone rang. It was Lita.

L: “Dude, the Internet just came back up and CNN.com is saying there’s a food shortage.”

D: “There’s a food shortage?”

L: “None of the TV channels mentioned it. Nothing on PBS, nothing on Fox News.”

We hung up, and I repeated what Lita had said. We hit a sampling of news sites. BBC, NPR, Fox, CNN, Al Jazeera, all saying the same thing: Food shortage.

X: “Okay, I think I see where this is headed. Let’s talk this out. We know Sindictive had a propaganda attack planned. So he took down the internet in as much of Europe and the US as he could. People start worrying… Asking, ‘what’s going on?'”

D: “People are worried; there’s this pandemic. They’re refreshing news sites every five minutes. They’re all primed and ready and -.”

(F:) (hurrying back over)”— I just got off the phone with Homeland. Sorry to interrupt. Homeland is coordinating with NATO. Someone defaced nearly every major Western news website.”

M: “Holy shit, man.”

F: “They’re posting fake news about shortages; food, medicine, gas.”

X: “We’re talking about that.”

D: “So, the shortages aren’t real?”

F: “They’re real now. If people believe there’s a shortage, there’ll be shortage.”

X: “Psychology 101.”

M: “Hey man, check out what my buddy just sent me.”

X: “Todd, we don’t have time for –”

mASSHtrOLE shared his screen on the Big Monitor. Twitter was going crazy. @CNN: “Stock up now!” @FOXNEWS: “No food in the US!” Kanye, Lebron, Obama, Lady Gaga. They were tweeting about shortages.

M: “One of my Dark World buddies hacked Twitter’s internal chat server last year. He’s been lurking since.”

F: “He’s spying on Twitter’s developers?”

M: “Yup. Twitter is scrambling to remediate a zero day on their API. Their hacker can impersonate anyone.”

X: “Okay, okay, so, Sindictive DDOSes basically North America for half a day, then hacks news sites and twitter accounts pumping up a general shortage, and pulls the plug on the denial of service.”

F: “People impatient for COVID-19 news are refreshing their favorite news page and what do they see?”

X: “Food shortage. Gas, medical supplies, medicine. Then they panic all over again. Fuck.”

D: “Oh, no.”

X: “oh, no? What?”

D: “He’s gonna start DDoSing again. The last news people will see is going to be…”

X: Fuck.

F: Fuck me.

M: “Sindictive is a genius. He left Trump’s Twitter alone, man.”

F: “What?”

On the overhead screen, mASSHtrOLE pulled up @realdonaldtrump. The President had just tweeted. I read it out loud, “Shortage is a hoax. We shut it down. We are way ahead of this thing.”

X: “Isn’t that basically verbatim what your President said about the coronavirus in the first place?”

M: “Yeah man, Trump sows panic without any help.”

Then Fishburne’s phone rang. He walked away, (F: for bg, “Fishburne here”). A couple minutes later, Fishburne walked back over.

F: “Distinctive was right. Sindictive doubled down: A massive flood attack on all the major DNS players plus a coordinated BGP attack. We’re screwed.”

Fear. It’s a basic, truly primal, instinct. Proof? Fear consumed our team. Fishburne tried to reach his wife, to warn her. I tried to call my parents, to tell them it was fake. But the cell phones were clogged. People were making up for the Internet being down by returning to their phone. Rumors and guesses posed as news and answers.

Special Agent Jerkface/Asshat/Turdbasket did get through to his wife. She was stuck with their kids in quarantine in Virginia. He told her everything would be fine. He told her the food shortage scare was fake. But just before they hung up, he told her to go to the store and stock up. He told her to get anything she could, even if they didn’t need it.

I mean, come on.

I called my Mom to check on her.

C: Hi Dearie.

D: Hi mom, how are you?

C: I’m okay.

D: Hey, Exclusivor is with me. You’re on speaker.

C: Hi Zoe.

X: Hi Mrs Harley. How is your food supply?

C: I usually keep a pretty good supply, and it’s just me so I’ll be okay.

D: Are you scared?

C: Everyone is scared.

Mom & I spoke for a while then said our goodbyes. Later I heard Fishburne on the phone with his wife and kids.

F: “I know sweetie, I promised I’d be home. I did. Things are just hectic right now.”

Fishburne paced. He had bags under his eyes, had worn the same suit for the third straight day, and I couldn’t remember seeing him sleep.

F: “I’m having to step up, sweetie. I need you to be tough, too. (pause) I love you so much. Okay, put your mom back on.”

I could tell that mASSHtrOLE, Preature and Exclusivor were eavesdropping, too.

F: “Hey. I know, Loretta. We’re under pressure here – (pause to listen) – Yeah. This guy, he’s evil. (pause to listen) No, he’s just a terrorist. He’s spreading fear – Don’t cry.” Fishburne looked around helplessly. (F:) “Look, Loretta, I need you to – Loretta – “.

Exclusivor snatched the phone right out of Fishburne’s hand and walked away. Fishburne just stood there, dumbfounded. He looked at me and said, (F:) “What the fuck just happened?”

mASSHtrOLE said (M:) “You know Exclusivor, man. Alpha dog.” Preature sighed loudly.

Exclusivor walked back, smirked and pushed the phone into Fishburne’s hand. He put it up to his ear and said, (F:) “Hello? (listens, unsure). Uh… okay. Hold on.” Fishburne went to his contacts, did a search, and then recited a phone number to his wife. The number sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Then he hung up and stalked off.

Meanwhile, I video-chatted with my Dad and step-mom to check on them.

H: “The Supermarkets are empty. It’s pretty crazy.”

J: “Americans are tough. We always step up when we need to. We’ll be okay. I’m just going to go on another forty day fast.”

H: “Don’t worry about us!”

My parents can withstand anything.

Then LOL-Lita called me. I was standing next to Fishburne and ducked away before he noticed. I wasn’t supposed to be talking to her.

I answered, Lita said:

L: “So, that was weird.”

D: “What?”

L: “I just got off the phone with Loretta Fishburne.”

D: (long pause)

L: “You there?”

D: “Fishburne’s wife?”

L: “She asked for my help.”

Lita explained the request, and I asked, (D:) “Fishburne? Are you going to do it?”

L: “Of course. How could I not?”

I thanked her and we hung up.

We worked through the night. Somewhere in the dark, mASSHtrOLE said, (M:) “Guys, guys, this is good. This is good.”

Exclusivor was slumped in her chair, eyes closed. She got up and walked over.

X: “Show me.”

We ha d been fighting the biggest DDOS ever. mASSHtrOLE pointed to his screen and said. M: “Check it out. It’s all coming from this ga.js script.”

X: “What is it?”

So, GA.js is probably the single most pervasive file in the Western Hemisphere’s Internet, the centerpiece of –

M: “Fucking google analytics, man.”

Google analytics, man. Exclusivor was sleepy, and not quite understanding yet.

X: “Todd, it’s not coming from just one IP, it’s like tens of millions.”

M: “That’s the genius. He hacked google analytics.”

mASSHtrOLE explained that 90% of North American web sites track their visitors using Google Analytics. Any hacker that could infect ga.js – that one, single Javascript file – any hacker that does that, potentially seizes control of 90% of browsers. What does any end-user have to do? Not a thing.

M: “So, anyone who’s visited a site and leaves their browser open is part of the botnet. Not only that -“

X: “Damn, you’re right. The US is DDOSing itself!”

M: “Not only that – but the script is spoofing IPs …”

To amplify the attack’s effectiveness, the hacked ga.js was bouncing small, efficient requests off a variety of outdated MS-SQL and memcache servers, which responded with a firehose of data to the spoofed IPs.

I was in shock. Exclusivor sat down heavily and lit up a cigarette. Fishburne called from across the room, (F:) “No smoking on the Ops Floor!”

X: “Yeah, Sam, that’s the problem.”

Fishburne weaved his way through the maze of tables, desks and computer equipment. F: “What’s going on?”

M: “You need to call Google. There’s no command and control for this one, man.”

Fishburne made some calls and by morning, Google made the fix. How do you get twenty million people to close browser tabs still sitting on cached copies of ga.js?

Yeah, we had no idea.

F: “I think CYBERCOM can get online now. Google remediated. You guys should get some sleep.”

X: “No, we need to keep it up. Who knows what he’ll try next.”

F: “Sindictive’s done his job. The free world is in chaos right now, but we stopped his attack. Get some sleep.”

Had she not been so tired, I felt like Exclusivor would have argued. But, in less than fifteen minutes, everyone was somewhere around the Ops Floor, curled up, sleeping.

We had arrived by bus in Kiev a week before, just hours after the first massive DNS flood attack began. Sam had fed what Exclusivor had told him right up the chain. There was going to be a propaganda attack, it was going to target countries most affected by the coronavirus, and it was going to happen soon.

The US Secretary of State personally contacted his peer in the Ukraine Cabinet of Ministers, who assigned it to the regional supervisor of Kiev, who delegated to Mayor Rodiyenko, who reluctantly gave us access to one of his empty grammar schools which had the bandwidth of a paper straw. Rodiyenko told us to take our time. The children wouldn’t return to school until fall.

Then Exclusivor personally called and spoke with the Mayor. The next day she waved her keyboard-shaped magic wand and conjured cases of vodka and caviar to the Mayor’s residence. In addition, Sam Fishburne asked his bosses for some bribe money.

We were upgraded to an unfinished skyscraper called Sky Towers, featuring a massive fire hydrant of bandwidth, security from a dozen of the Mayor’s best bodyguards, and help from hundreds of Exclusivor’s hacker-friends worldwide. She convinced her friends with a question: If Sindictive takes down the West, who’s left for their ransomware?

So, our team was in position, we had help, and we thought we were ready to take on Sindictive.

We weren’t.

We worked through sleep-deprived days and sleepless nights. Finally, after a week with our butts parked in terrible, Soviet-era, folding chairs, I was going to get some fucking sleep.

X: “Hey, Sean, wake up.”

D: “Uh, why?”

X: “I need someone to smoke with.” Exclusivor offered a cigarette. I shook my head. (X:) “Come on, I hate smoking by myself.” She lit a cigarette and handed it to me. I took it. Then she lit one for herself.

I rubbed my eyes and took a drag. All around me our team of agents and hackers were crashed-out, exhausted from the week.

X: “I’ve been thinking. We shouldn’t have been able to stop this. Our network was basically untouched, except for that IP thing mASSHtrOLE fucked up.”

D: “That’s true, but Sindictive is here in the Ukraine, he wasn’t going to take himself down.”

X: “That’s my point. I think he’s closer than we think.”

D: “Yeah?”

X: “He’s in this building. In the penthouse.”

D: “The Mayor lives in the penthouse.”

X: “Mayor Rodiyenko is the definition of corrupt. He’s double dipping. The US government is paying him, and so is Sindictive.”

I was about to answer, but Fishburne noticed we were awake and walked over.

F: “Sean, Zoe.”

X: “What’s up?” D: “Hey.”

F: “So, guess who showed up at my house in a minivan loaded with old folks and food?”

Exclusivor looked at me. I said (D:) “Old folks and food? I don’t know.”

Exclusivor smiled. I said, (D:) “Oh, Lita. Wait, she brought my parents?”

F: “Yup.”

D: “Oh, I didn’t know she – ” Fishburne waved me off.

F: “It’s fine. My wife could use the company, and the pile of food.

 But, I'm glad you two are awake. Rodiyenko just called."

X: “Oh, yeah? What did the Mayor of Keev lie about this time?”

F: “He said he has intel that Sindictive just crossed into Belarus. He fled.”

X: “Shit. I think I accidentally bricked his smartphone yesterday trying to check on him. It probably spooked him.”

D: “You say Keev. I thought it was pronounced Kiev.”

X: (dismissively) “Locals say Keev, the West says Kiev. Doesn’t really matter.”

F: “Rodiyenko said Sindictive is gone, but he left alone. His team is still somewhere here in Kiev. We need to find out where. Rodiyenko is stonewalling. I’ll take any guesses.”

X: “I have a guess.”

F: “Let’s hear it.”

Exclusivor told Fishburne about the Penthouse theory. Fishburne said, (F:), “Unbe-fucking-lievable. Okay, get some rest. I’ll figure out something.”

D: “Okay.”

F: “Oh, by the way, CYBERCOM and CISA want a debriefing. Scheduled for 15:00. And we’re flying –”

X: “CISA’s fine, I’m not helping CYBERCOM. You know that, Sam.”

F: “Fine. We’re flying out on a C-17 after the meeting. I want us all back on CONUS ASAP.”

Fishburne walked away and Exclusivor crushed out her cigarette. She said quietly, (X:) “No way I’m going back on US soil.”

Exclusivor went to a nearby couch where one of the FBI agents lay stretched out, sleeping. She rapped him on the back and told him to move. I laid back down but I couldn’t get back to sleep. The internal argument I had been having with myself all week started fresh.

Devil (seductively): “She can’t just order you to go back to your old job.”
Angel (loudly): “You have to do it, Exclusivor told you to do it.”

My Devil whispering seductively in my left ear, my Angel shouting in my right ear.

Devil: “You know why she wants you back there, right? The nukes.”
Angel: “If Exclusivor wants him back there, he should do it. You can’t cross her.”

Devil: “So he should just blindly do whatever she says.”
Angel: “She can make our life miserable!!”

Devil: “It’s been four years and she still hasn’t repaid Sindictive for what he did to Sergei! Once again you just blindly do what any authority figure asks of you. Question authority, okay? I’m just saying that if you don’t …” (argument for fade)
Angel: “Come on! She’s a reasonable person. Besides, you won’t want to get on her bad side. She could take you down in a heartbeat, remember how she…” (argument for fade)

Egh. The struggle is real.

Finally, I slept for a few hours, woke up, washed up, and was up in front of a terminal when Lita called.

L: “You won’t believe this place.”

D: “What place? Sam’s house?”

L: “If you can call it that. It’s like he gave me the address of a family friend.”

D: “I don’t follow.”

L: “Literally, there is no evidence he lives here.”

D: “Oh. Maybe he’s just traveling a lot?”

L: “Yeah, maybe.”

D: “Weird. Hey, how are my folks doing?”

L: “I think you’re dad is more worried than he’s letting on, but they’re okay. And it’s crazy how your mom and step-mom get along.”

Lita and I talked for a bit. I told her about the Penthouse Theory. She told me about what she’s found on Tor.

(L:) “So, I’ve found a couple of NGOs that are fighting trafficking on Tor…”

At first light, Exclusivor, Fishburne, mASSHtrOLE and I took a walk about two blocks away, to get a good view of the building where we had been working.

F: “So, Sindictive might have been in our same building this entire time.”

Kiev has a sleek and shiny main administration building in the center of the city. But we knew Mayor Rodiyenko worked from a penthouse in the tallest of two skyscrapers called the Sky Towers. Our SOC was on the first floor. Homeland was paying our rent.

F: “Ten million dollars under the table.”

M: “How much?”

X: “I bet Sindictive is paying twice that.”

Only the penthouse and the first floor were complete. The rest of the place was a bare metal skeleton, some wiring, some pipes.

I looked at Exclusivor and nodded upward. I asked, (D:) “How do we get up there?”

X: “I don’t know. It’s like a Penthouse Lair for a Bond villain. No elevators, incomplete stairwells. The Mayor takes a helicopter to get up there.”

M: “It’s genius, man.”

Everybody looked at mASSHtrOLE.

M: “But who cares? Let’s just call in the fucking Marines or whatever man. Sic some Green Berets or Seals on his ass or something.”

F: “We aren’t at war, Todd.”

M: “You keep talking about a cyber war, man.”

F: “It’s different. We can’t physically invade a sovereign country.”

M: “We’re all here, man.”

F: “We are guests. Before you say it, No, our special forces teams won’t be invited as guests. Kiev is it’s own special little batshit-crazy town where guys like Rodiyenko can bill both the US Government and it’s terrorist enemies to rent from the same building.”

D: “So, who goes in?”

F: “Officially? No one.”

X: “I don’t like the sound of that.”

F: “It’s the only way, Zoe.”

X: “Fuck you, Sam.”

We walked back to our headquarters. I called Lita and told her what we had decided.

L: “You can’t be serious.”

D: “Don’t tell my parents.”

L: “This is what you get for getting mixed up with Fishburne and Exclusivor.”

D: “I can’t argue with that. Exclusivor really hates Sindictive. And Sam must be aiming for a promotion or something.”

L: “Dude, do you know how insane that plan sounds?”

D: “Sindictive’s whole team is probably up there. We can’t allow them to leave. Exclusivor thinks -“

L: “Exclusivor is batshit, okay. Totally fucknozzled. This is the Claire thing all over again.”

D: “There’s more to it than that.”

L: “D, she’ll do anything to get revenge for her brother. It’s blinding her. Don’t let it blind you.”

I wouldn’t say I necessarily have a fear of heights, but long falls can kill you, and I have a fear of dying.

So, I was extremely nervous. I mean, what if we had to scale the outside like Spiderman?

The plan was for mASSHtrOLE, Exclusivor and I to climb to the penthouse, roughly forty-five stories up. Fishburne said his agents couldn’t be involved as official agents of the US Government, blah, blah blah. It was up to us.

Exclusivor was set on avenging her brother Sergei, killed by Sindictive; mASSHtrOLE said he couldn’t wait to tell his friends on the Dark World forums how he helped Exclusivor kick someone’s else’s ass; and I was doing my best to stall until someone came up with a better fucking plan. I mean, come on. Spiderman?

But the urgency and peer pressure were as tall as that building, and Sinctive’s whole team could pile into the helicopter at any time and be gone for good. We were hurried, and then Fishburne’s phone rang.

It was our liaison with CISA. Fresh cyber attacks had begun. Exclusivor said, (X:) “Distinctive, we gotta do this now.”

Transcript

I am six years old. I wake up. It’s Christmas morning! I jump out of bed, go to open my bedroom door, but it’s locked. I can’t get out. What the hell? Then I hear a buzzer. A voice over a loudspeaker says, “Open cell C-32.” I hear a click. My door opens. I walk out. I’m in prison! Prisoners jeer and yell. One says, (F:)”see you on the outside, asshole!” Another says, “say hi to your wife for me!” and laughs.

I’m at a window. A guard dressed … as Santa? … gives me a box of my belongings. He points to a door. I walk through it. The razor-wire-topped fence is behind me. The sky is blue. I can feel the sun in my face. I’m a free man! Free! I –

I woke up. On the next bed over, partially covered by a pretzel of bedsheets, were my quarantine roommates for the last two weeks, mASSHtrOLE and Preature.

It was a dream. And then I remembered. My Kevorkian coronavirus quarantine is over! I’m free!

I called Lita and told her!
I’m Free!
What the fuck –
A reprise! Look: Birds, bees; Yes, please!
Have you lost your –
A breeze through the trees! From my knees, God heard my pleas!
STOP! Just, stop. How are you free? Are you going to help Fishburne hunt Exclusivor?
Yeah, I caved. It was either that –
You can’t –
– or I get a room at the Grand Hotel Guantanamo.
They can’t really send you to Guantanamo. You’re American.
Look, I’m just buying time. As soon as possible, it’s gonna be, `sayōnara, don’t let the auf wiedersehen hit you in the aloha!’
Why are you being so annoying?
I just spent two weeks quarantined with Fishburne, mASSHtrOLE and Preature.

Gotcha. Well, it’d be fun to see Fishburne’s face when he realizes you’ve burned him.

Lita was right. Maybe I should have planted a hidden camera to capture that Kodak moment.

Anyway… didn’t happen. Because someone showed up in Seoul and tossed my plans out the window.

They had this holographic 3D screen in the middle with all kinds of data, technical readouts, maps, information. I said, “Hey, this is like Star Wars!”

mASSHtrOLE said, “You mean at the end of both A New Hope and Return of the Jedi, where they had the big screen showing the progress of the Death Star?”

I said, “Exactly. That’s exactly what I meant.”

“Nope, man. Not seeing it.”

I hate mASSHtrOLE so much.

So, there were ten people, mostly Special Agents, but a few of us hackers, too, including mASSHtrOLE, with his recently broken nose, and his partner Preature.

We were all facing the big 3D screen and Fishburne was droning on about safety protocols , local customs and the plan to find Exclusivor. ((monotone): “Remember to wear your masks at all times; it is customary to…”)

I heard the door open, then close. Someone walked in the room and sat down by the wall. But my eyes couldn’t quickly adjust from the bright screen in the middle of the dark room. A few minutes went by. Fishburne was saying something along the lines of “Exclusivor can’t hide forever. No one is long for hiding from the FBI!”

From the corner, I heard a voice “You’re such a dumbass, Sam.”

Oh. My. God. I knew that voice.

“Who said that?”

All the Special Agents – Fishburne’s hand-picked list of ass-kissers – whirled around, trying to see in the dark. Then, she stepped into the light.

I thought Fishburne was going to choke. He stammered, “Z, Z, Zoe?”

“Sam, you couldn’t even catch the coronavirus.”

“Z, Z, Zoe.”

Exclusivor sauntered over to a table with a pitcher of water and some cups, poured some water, and walked it over to Fishburne.

She said, “Sit down, Sam. Take a drink. I got it from here.”

Fishburne took an awkward sip and looked around absently. When it became apparent their fearless leader was indeed going to sit down, Special Agent Dickweed gave up his seat and Fishburne sank into it.

Two hours later we were on our way to Budapest, Hungary. I snuck into the bathroom, and called Lita.

Budapest? What’s in Budapest?

A landing field. We’re sneaking into Kiev.

Again with Kiev.

Exclusivor says Sindictive is there, planning another attack.

What? Now Exclusivor thinks she can read minds?

She’s a hacker. She hacked his phone.

Fair enough. A hacked phone is better than reading minds.

“Look, we have maybe a week, probably not even that. Then, Sindictive launches his attack.”

“Zoe, there is no attack. I checked with the CIA and NSA, they’ve heard zero chatter. Nothing.”

“Sindictive is smarter than that. You’re not going to catch him with your 20th century spying.”

“We would have heard something.”

“I told you, I hacked his phone. They are plotting something and they bumped the timeline because of the coronavirus.”

“Zoe, COVID-19 isn’t a computer virus!”

“I know it’s not – Look, the US is distracted. It’s a perfect time. If it were me, I’d attack now. Maximize the pandemonium.”

“Maximize the pandemonium, what kind of person thinks like that? You hackers are all…

“Sam, you’re doing it again, you can’t just assume that everyone else is like you, I try to think how’d I do something so I can figure out what the enemy is thinking. Order? Change? I’m thinking like the enemy to stop the enemy! You are using old school – Light fires? I’m just – “

Exclusivor and Fishburne went round and round like that for hours. I fell asleep until we landed.

mASSHtrOLE said, “Whoa man, this is rad. Nice ride!”

“Indeed. Wait until you see the comm room, mobile ammo depot, sleeping quarters and bathroom with full shower.”

“Killer, man. I could use a shower.”

“No doubt. Just clean up after yourself. This bus is on loan from the CIA.”

In a miracle, I was first in line for the shower. But, turns out, showering in a moving vehicle sucks. Anyway, I was in there and bang, the door slid open. Exclusivor stood there.

Okay, A) I swear I locked the door. 2) Exclusivor just stood there, with the door wide open. The shower room opened up to the rest of the bus. Everyone could see me. And, they were seeing me. And I was in my shower uniform, ya get me? Exclusivor said, “Hey, D.” Uh, that sounds awkward. Keep in mind, my first initial is D.

Anyway, I said, “For the love of God! Close the door!”

“Damn. Chill out.”

She came in and closed the door behind her.

I said, “I didn’t mean come in!”

“My deal was that I help find you. Then they forget about all the shit they got on me.”

“So, you’re clear? The Banco De Espana hack, Buenos Aires, Paris, Ivory Coast? All of it?”

“Yeah, I guess I am?”

“What about your job?”

“I won’t be going back to the DoE.”

“I need you to.”

“Why?”

“Don’t worry about Why right now. Get the job back. Have a talk with Sam.”

“I don’t want that job.”

“Do it, okay?”

Just then, the door slid open again. I said, “Dammit, Fishburne, I’m in here!”

“I thought you were, then I just saw Zoe go in. Making sure you aren’t plotting anything!”

“What, you can’t bug the shower room?”

“Oh it’s bugged all right, but the running water makes it tough to hear what you’re saying.”

Then Preature and mASSHtrOLE appeared. “Hey man, we’re waiting to shower. You can’t jump the line like that.”

I yelled, “Everybody out!!”

“Fine, relax.”

“Chill, man.”

Exclusivor slapped me on the ass and whispered, “Get your job back!”

Between the ten of us, there was whiskey, cigars and cigarettes, and pot. People’s opinions were lubricated, and slipping out all over the place. mASSHtrOLE asked,

“What’s in Kiev, man?”

“Sindictive. Zoe thinks he’s plotting a cyber-terrorist attack.”

“What’s his plan?”

“Well, it was going to be something with auto-driving cars, like he did in 2017 and 2018.”

“Zoe thinks Sindictive is going to try something new this time, due to the pandemic.”

Exclusivor knocked back her scotch and said, “I’m not totally sure what, but this looks like a propaganda attack. Just based on the people he’s communicating with.”

Then I realized something. I said, “Kiev is where he launched much of his 2016 election dis-information campaign. When he launched his auto-driving car attacks, he was in Singapore.” Exclusivor nodded.

I added, “That’s how Sindictive killed her brother.”

Exclusivor winced but didn’t say anything. She finished her glass of scotch, reached over the big table we sat around, grabbed the bottle and poured another.

Then mASSHtrOLE said “Some guys on the Dark World forums said your brother committed suicide.”

Finally, they pulled her off of him. It took a few minutes to settle her down. I just sat there. I roomed with mASSHtrOLE and Preature in quarantine and it was like living on a porn set. Watching Exclusivor punishing his face was the best thing that had happened in a month.

Preature got mASSHtrOLE a towel and he bled pretty good, but surprisingly didn’t slink off to his seat.

Everyone watched Exclusivor. I know her pretty well, and I knew she was loving the attention. Exclusivor smoked an entire cigarette before she spoke again.

“My brother did not commit suicide. I’ll tell you what really happened.”

Then, Exclusivor lit another cigarette, and told the story. When she was done, mASSHtrOLE looked around the table, then at Exclusivor, and said, “Lemme get this straight. You expect me to believe you BASE-jumped off a skyscraper in order to pull off a hack?”

I said, “Todd, do you believe anything?”

“Hey, man, as John Dewey said, ‘Skepticism is the mark and pose of the educated mind.'”

Whaddya gonna do?

Oh, I know all about that now. It’s old news.

So you know Exclusivor didn’t murder her?

No, I think she absolutely did murder her.

Are you crazy? Why?

She BASE jumped off the Bank of America building in Dallas, right?

Right, she hacked the NSA commops operation, planted a drop box for exfiltration, BASE-jumped, spooked Claire, crash landed. End of story.

Not end of story. Claire goes to the police, tells them what happened, Exclusivor freaks out, worried they’ll put two and two together, and locate the drop box. So she goes in and kills her. The missing photos say everything.

Oh, shit. You’ve been reading the Dark World forums haven’t you?

What if I have?

Look, the bus is leaving, I gotta get back on. Stay away from those conspiracy theory idiots, okay? I’ll explain later.

They aren’t –

I told him I was using the bathroom inside the station. His eyes narrowed.

Exclusivor said, “Hey – It happened.”

“What happened?”

“Sindictive launched a coronavirus propaganda attack on Italy, Spain and the US.”

“It’s gonna be bad.”

Transcript

You’ve heard about this, right?

I’ve heard people here in Wuhan compare life to playing a video game; every day is a mission. Your mission, if you choose to accept it: Get food. Check on loved ones. Don’t. Catch. The. Virus. Stay alive. People wear not only masks but motorcycle helmets with face shields. They wear gloves. They wear clothes covering their entire body. They wear fear in the only thing you can see: their eyes.
Dread, worry, stress, loneliness, isolation, depression, fear.
Not everyone will catch the coronavirus, but everyone has caught the fear.

I’m here to hold back. Hole up. Hide out. But there is no hiding from fear.

On my third day in Wuhan, I decided to go out. I was a little scared, so I recorded a selfie video. Here’s some of the audio from that:

“I might be about to make a huge mistake. The building I’m in has some sort of WiFi and I seem to connect, but there isn’t any internet. No one in the apartments around me would open their door when I knocked, so… I guess I’m going to go out and try to find a cafe or coffee shop and get online.

On the street now. I took the stairs. I definitely do not want to be cooped up in an elevator in this town.

The streets are deserted. Oh, shit.”

I said “Oh shit” because I saw three men in jackets and ducked behind a bush. I dropped my phone and the recording stopped. The trio of men were walking fast, looking official. There’s Marshall law here, so unless on official business, you aren’t supposed to go out.

The men trotted away, out of site. Then, my phone rang. Lita. In the last few days, she had called twenty times, never left a message. No texts. I didn’t have the energy for the conversation I knew was coming, but I owed it to her. I answered.

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D: Hi Lita.

L: What the fuck are you doing? Wuhan? Have you lost your mind!?

D: I’m good Lita, how are you?

L: Dude, seriously. Why did you fly to China?

D: I tried to tell you last time. I saw two guys I thought were feds. I needed somewhere to hide no one else would come.

L: So you assumed that Fishburne and his crew wouldn’t travel to the epicenter of the coronavirus?

D: Exactly.

L: I’m sure you’re right. No one else would be that stupid.

It went on like that for a bit, then she had to leave for a doctor’s appointment. She’d been feeling sick again lately.

Thanks to the cast — Tinker Secor as Sam Fishburne, Whiskey Neon as mASSHtrOLE, Moebius as Exclusivor

Now I’m the kind of guy who thinks like this: After talking to Lita, I looked around and didn’t see anyone. If no one else is out, I should be fine, right? What would you do?

I was a block away when I heard a bullhorn from high above me, like God. It was in Chinese but I was thinking, “God… is that… you?” No. Whatever It was, barked words in Chinese. No sprechen de Francais. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t know if they were yelling at me, I ignored it and kept walking.

After an hour of walking, I recorded this: “Okay, no dice. More “CLOSED” signs. I hadn’t thought it would be this bad. This city is the size of New York. I could not picture New York being like this under quarantine… Under any circumstance.”

Then, Lita called again. I answered. She said:

L: Exclusivor has gone public.

D: What?

L: She just tweeted. Let me read it to you.

D: Lita, no way Exclusivor is on Twitter.

L: It’s a brand-new account, no followers. She tagged me, you, the FBI and Fishburne.

D: It’s not her.

L: Her handle is “FishburneSux” – sucks is spelled s-u-x.

D: Okay, that sounds like her, but it could be anybody.

L: Maybe, but can I read it?

D: Okay.

L: It says, “Hey Fishburne, you asshole!! Too late to catch me in Wuhan, you slow motherfucker. Where will I be next? #hareVturtle @LOLLita26969940 @fbi @deaddistinctive”

D: Wait, tortoise and the hare? Is she the hare?

L: I guess so, the turtle is slow.

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D: But the turtle won.

L: Yeah, doesn’t make sense.

D: But she wrote, “Wuhan”?

L: Yeah, Exclusivor was in Wuhan. Is that why you went there?

D: No. I mean, I thought she might be, but not until after I got here.

L: I think it’s really her.

D: It’s a hoax.

L: Look, if Exclusivor was in Wuhan, and she said they almost caught her, then Fishburne must be in Wuhan, too. We know he’s listening to these –

D: Fuck. Okay I’m going to go grab my stuff, I need to find a new place to stay. I’ll call you.

I hung up, and spun around and headed back to my room. Should I even go back? Was this like in Pulp Fiction when he went back for his watch? Was it going to end like that? Ugh… I hope not.

I made a mental inventory of what was in my room. I had a couple of phones, cash, paper wallets with over two hundred Bitcoin, my clothes, my passport under my alias Benjamin Dover. Yes, I had to go back.

I was two blocks from my building when I was surprised by those same three people. They wore masks. It’s really weird how everyone wears masks. Honestly, it’s kind of scary. You can’t tell what people are thinking. Only their eyes betray their real thoughts, if they will even look at you. I hadn’t realized how much I relied on reading expressions.

One of them said something in Chinese, but I just shook my head. Then, another one of the masked men said, in English, “he doesn’t speak Chinese.”

I knew that voice. Crap. I didn’t even last a full week.

The first man switched to English and said, “You are not supposed to leave your room!” I began to feel sick to my stomach. This wasn’t going to end well.

They force-marched me back to my tiny little room. When we got there, everyone came in. They closed the door and sprayed something in the air. Then, They took off their masks and my fears were confirmed.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was the vibration pattern I had set for Lita. I didn’t answer.

The Chinese man said, “My English name is Peter, this is my wife Mary-Jane. We are aid workers in charge of this area. You are doing a very bad thing. You could spread the virus. It is very irresponsible.”

I didn’t respond. I stared at the third man.

The Chinese man didn’t seem used to being ignored. He fretted, “Well, this is doctor Smith. He arrived this morning to help with the outbreak. A guest of our government.”

Smith? No way.

I said, “How did you find me, Fishburne?”

I was back in my mask, Fishburne was back in his, and we were in the back of a car driving us back to the US Consulate.

Fishburne said, “I heard your recording last week. I was here in two days.”

I said, “This town is massive. You got lucky.”

Fishburne said, “We did some sonic research on the background sounds from when you were dropped off. We found the corner where your driver left you, we asked around. I ran into those two at a coordination meeting this morning. This outbreak has made the Chinese government very helpful.”

I’m so stupid.

–

I got to ruminate in my stupidity for the night, in a guarded room in the basement of the US Consulate.

The next morning, Fishburne came to get me. We went to breakfast in an empty cafeteria. It was bloody amazing. I hadn’t eaten an American breakfast in eight months. Fishburne had an apple, and watched me stuff myself for ten minutes, then he said, “You’re facing ten years, perhaps time in a Supermax, my friend.”

Fishburne has this really aggravating voice. Just the way he speaks. Argh!! I can’t do it justice. Just, think of the person in the world that you hate the most. His voice sounds like that.

When he said “Supermax,” my appetite died. I put down my fork and said, “You know i didn’t do anything wrong. It was all Zoe.”

“Oh, Sean, I know. Just the same, I’m going to make sure you do all ten years, even if I have to make shit up.”

Now I had lost tomorrow’s appetite. Fishburne would plant evidence, falsify documents, lie to his mom, steal candy from a baby, whatever.

He stared at me, then said, “Unless.”

I said, “Unless, what?”

“You are staying in those cuffs, you are going to prison, you are doing all the time -“

I cut him off, the bombastic bastard. I said, “unless what?”

He looked miffed. He said, “Unless you help me find Exclusivor.”

“Fishburne, we went through all this three years ago.”

“Yeah, but see, you think like her. Wuhan fucking China? Are you kidding? Who would do that? I tell you who, you, and Exclusivor.”

See what I mean? Don’t you just want to punch me for doing the voice?

Anyway, I said, “So, Exclusivor is here?”

“Was here. She’s listening to your recordings too, I suspect. She was here, and you flushed her like a bird dog. The rest of my team is on her trail right now.”

“Lita said she tweeted. Did you see it?”

“Yes. Confirmation she was here. We are working with Twitter to find where it was sent from.”

I thought: ‘Holy crap, I was right. Exclusivor was hiding in Wuhan. Maybe we do think alike.’ I said, “Okay, so you can let me go. It seems like I already helped you find her.”

I finished my food, so I stood up.

Fishburne got up too. He said, “Uh, No, she’s had a three day head-start. Like everyone else in this hemisphere, she’s wearing a mask. But, we matched her eyes from some photos at a train station in Zhengzhou, then another in Beijing, the Saigon airport, a CTV in Tokyo.”

“Fishburne, you’ll never catch her.” I dumped my trash and put my tray on the stack.

Fishburne said, “I agree with that. We’re on her trail, but my experience says she’ll get away this time. But never say never. While she’s on the move, I need your help.” He pointed toward a set of doors.

I shook my head. “No. Not again. She’s my friend.”

“She’s your friend! That’s why you need to help. I’m not going to arrest her.” Fishburne held up his badge and the doors unlocked.

I pushed open the doors and said, “Right.”

“Honest! Think about it. Help your friend. Or time in a Supermax, Sean. You and Kaczinski, Salim, Terry Nichols. You really want to rub elbows with those terrorists?”

“Fishburne, it’s a Supermax, no one rubs elbows with anyone. That’s the point.” We were in a courtyard. The morning sun was bright. It had been hazy since I arrived. Maybe things were looking up for Wuhan.

Fishburne was still talking so I reluctantly tuned back in. “The point is, Harley, the US is in a Cyber war with Iran, North Korea, China, Russia. Everybody is trying to get a leg up. Even our allies, Germany, Sweden. Everyone is trying to get the upper-hand. It’s just a matter of time. It’s us against the globe. The only thing in our favor is they are at war with each other, too. But, if they decide to team up… “

“I can’t help you.”

“Do it for your country, Sean.”

If it were for my country, I’d do it No problem. But I said, “No.”

Fishburne’s face went purple. He chucked his apple at a trash can across the courtyard, missing badly. He motioned to two security guards and growled, “Take him to his room.”

–

I was pretty happy I’d suffered that conversation and didn’t try to punch Fishburne. It was a first.

When I got back to my confinement room, there were two people already there. One of them was going through my laptop.

I said, “Hey, that’s mine! What do you think you’re doing?”

“Relax, man, I was just poking around.” Oh, fantastic, another aggravating asshole.

He was logged in to my computer. Crap. Who knows what he’d seen.

“You need a stronger password, my man.” He spoke as though in slow motion.

“What do you want?”

“Special Agent Fishburne asked us to have a talk with you, man.”

The ‘talk’ took the rest of the day. And, I had to wear the mask the entire time. These two, they go by the handles Preature and mASSHtrOLE.

mASSHtrOLE did most of the talking. They were hackers, busted by Fishburne two months ago. Their job was to help Fishburne track me and then Exclusivor.

mASSHtrOLE said, “You gotta help us, man. Exclusivor is a fucking poltergiest.”

For the love of God, talk faster!! Okay, for all our sanity, I’m going to speed him up.

You tapped out our abilities. Fuck man, you had to fucking tell us where you were for us to find you. Exclusivor never does dumb shit like that. If we don’t find her, I go to prison, man. I can’t do twenty years.”

I said, “No, I’m not helping. I doxxed Exclusivor three years ago and that was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. I’m not helping Fishburne find her.”

“They want her to help us, man. They aren’t even trying to arrest her!”

“Word of advice: Never trust Fishburne. My answer is ‘no’.”

“Fuck you, man!” mASSHtrOLE stood up and shoved me off my chair. I was twice his age, half his weight, and in much better condition. I got up, and he came at me. He swung, slow and lumbering, but I was just standing up and didn’t see the blow coming. I ducked but he still caught a glancing blow. It was awkward and miss-timed. It felt like getting hit with a nerf football tossed by a baby..

The mistake most people make in a fight, is they come flying in with their arms way out in front, but their head and body back. No one wants to take a shot to the head. I get it. Being hit sucks. But, you just got to accept it. If you are in a fight, you’re probably going to get hit in the face. The thing is, if you do it right, you’re going hit the other guy way harder, walk away with your arms up in victory, and look like a badass doing it. So, you don’t go in with your arms way out in front like you want to tussle the hair on their head, you get right in there, you go in with your arms in position for a jab. Forget haymakers, Ray Charles can see those coming. You want to jab, jab, jab. Straight, swift, frequent, fast, solid, strong. Boom, boom, boom.’

That’s how I did it.

mASSHtrOLE looked up from the floor, blood streaming from his nose. “You broke my fucking nose, man!”

I was like… you came at me… man.

The Consolulate ER nurse was pissed. But, the coronavirus couldn’t be transmitted through blood. I hoped.

A small crowd had formed. Fishburne took me aside. He said, “How did it feel?”

I said, “How did what feel?”

“Punching him.”

I said, “Oh. It felt spectacular.”

Fishburned jabbed at the air, “Since the moment I met him, I’ve had a fantasy about punching him.”

I leaned in and said, “Fishburne, doing the same to you would make me feel even better.”

Fishburne laughed. “As if. But, hey, I’ve had that fantasy starring you, too, Harley.” He winked at me and whispered. ” I think about it every time I’m in the shower.”

Security guards were posted outside the door and consulate personnel brought in three army cots. mASSHtrOLE, Preature and I slept together in that locked room. My roommates took their bedding from the cots and laid it on the floor, stripped down and had very vocal sex. With his broken nose, mASSHtrOLE was a mouth breather.

It was awful.

Somewhere around about halfway through the second time, my phone buzzed. I hadn’t looked at it all day. Fishburne had frisked me back in my room, and took everything but my phone and laptop. Undoubtedly they were now tracking everything I did.

Lita had texted earlier. There was another tweet from Exclusivor. I connected to the consulate wifi, downloaded the Twitter app, signed in with an account I hadn’t used in years and looked up the handle @FishburneSux. Exclusivor now had three followers. Like the first one, the second tweet mocked Fishburne. It said, “You can’t catch a ghost.” It tagged me, Lita, the FBI, and @SamFishburne.”

The next day, they flew us to Seoul. We were going to spend the coronavirus incubation period in quarantine in a hospital, then I was going to Guantanamo until they could decide how to deal with me. Fishburne and the two hackers were going back on Exclusivor’s trail, which had gone cold in Tokyo.

While I was in quarantine in Seoul, Exclusivor tweeted several more times. Nothing big, just mocking Fishburne. In one, she posted a watermarked image of Wuhan, clearly from a stock image site, and wrote, “Maybe I’m here?!?” She did another with a stock image of Red Square, another of Big Ben.

Exclusivor was on the move, and I was thinking “Guantanamo?” Then I had an idea. Maybe there was a way I could help Exclusivor and stay out of prison.

Transcript

Hey, this is Distinctive. I’m on a prop plane. This is maybe the worst flight I’ve ever been on. The plane – bucks – and yaws. I’m near the tail of the plane, and it swings wildly back and forth. Across the aisle and a row in front of me, a woman just threw up all over the place and it smells really bad. No one can come clean it up. I snapped a picture but it might be blurry.

Okay, we landed. Half the passengers kissed the ground when we deplaned. I have a layover here for the night. Gonna go get a hotel.

Okay, I’m in my hotel. I have a layover. You might be wondering why I’m recording these. So, I was in Ulaanbaatar yesterday and I saw a blonde guy and another guy. They looked like feds. Being on the run like this is nerve wracking. I know that Fishburne had realized I was in Mongolia so I decided I had to leave. I’m recording these, then going to upload them to a Google drive account I compromised. Some french lady named Marcy. At some point I’ll get them to my partner, LOL-Lita, and she’ll stitch them together and publish it.

It’s morning now. I woke up thinking about Exclusivor. She might be where I’m going. It makes sense. It’s the last place anyone would think to look, and if I thought of it, she probably did, too. It makes me think of the first time she contacted me.

I was at lunch at work. At that job, my work was super-locked down. I was technically not allowed to use my phone, but I was one of the bosses, so when I was wired in while coding, no one said anything. Everyone else had to drop their phone in a faraday bag at security. If they wanted to listen to music, they had to use an old MP3 player, vetted and approved by security.

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It started while I was in the cafeteria, music from my ‘Lunch – Thursday’ playlist blaring in my earbuds, eating a sandwich, catching up on the latest from Lifehacker and Reddit.

Suddenly I hear a voice say, “Distinctive, listen to me.”

I jumped. What on earth? I glanced around. No one around me looked like they had said anything to me. But a couple people glanced at me.

The thing was, the Voice called me ‘Distinctive’. No one at work called me Distinctive. Where did the voice come from? My earbuds?! Was I going crazy?

After a moment, the Voice said, “Are you there, Distinctive?” The voice was distorted and deep, disguised like those crime shows trying to hide someone’s identity.

And it was coming through my earbuds!

So, it dawned on me. I must have accidentally called someone, so I replied, “Yes, I’m here. Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you.”

More people had glanced at me now. Was I on a verboten mobile phone? At work? And, was I talking to someone, or just talking to myself?

Let me just say, at this job, you did NOT want to be the crazy guy talking to himself. The work was too dicey. You can’t be the crazy guy. The crazy guy, the guy who cracked under the pressure, that guy always had two hours, max, then they gave him a cardboard box full of his personal effects, a severance check, and a security escort down to the street.

But who had I accidentally called? After a moment, the voice in my earbuds said, “Distinctive, you did not call anyone. I hacked your phone. Listen to me. I need your help.”

I yanked the earbuds out of my ears. Crap! I was hacked? No! This couldn’t be happening!

Being hacked was worse than being the crazy guy. This is why they don’t permit phones at work. Ahh! Just being hacked with an illicit phone could mean jail time. It’s like having top secret documents on your personal laptop. Shit!

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I looked around at the suits and security badges around me. So, this was at the Department of Energy. I worked with Atomic Lathes, a black organization so secret, at the time Congress had no idea it existed. Even now, it’s not general knowledge. Not only that, I had admin access to the network. I was two steps away from the nuclear codes. Being hacked would not fly. Even if I didn’t get jail time, if anyone there found out I had a hacked phone inside the office, I would lose my security clearance; without security clearance, I’d lose my job.

So, all that goes through my brain in a heartbeat.

Then the voice said, “Should I call you Distinctive, or use your real name, Sean Harley?”

Eff Bomb! Oh no, no, no, no! Not only was my phone hacked, but this Voice knew both my real life identity and my hacker handle. I was so busted.

And, the timbre of Voice had changed.

I looked at my phone. My earbuds were still plugged in, but the Voice now came through the phone’s speaker. Jerome and Nahim from security were eating at the next table. They looked at me.

Nahim said, “Everything okay there, Mr. Harley?”

I was like, “everything’s under control. Situation normal. How are you?” Ugh, note to self: shut up.

I turned away from Nahim and I knew there was one way to solve this. I grabbed up my phone and held down a combination of buttons to do a hard reboot.

The Voice said, “That won’t work, Sean. I disabled all the buttons.”

Oh my God! I had to leave. I got up. I walked across the cafeteria. The Voice said again, louder, “do you want me to call you Sean, or should I call you Distinctive?”

Every head nearby turned. Jerome stood up.

I squeezed the phone in my armpit, trying to muffle the speaker. I was dizzy. The Voice had done it again, it had said both my real name and my hacker handle.

Given my own legal problems, this is all public knowledge now, but at this point, not even my best friends knew both my real name, Sean Harley, and my online hacker handle, Distinctive.
I felt the phone vibrating madly.
At this point, being fired looked like the least worrying outcome.
Apparently this hacker could trigger anything on the phone.
At this point, I started worrying about prison.
A klaxon alarm started blaring loudly.
At this point, I panicked.

The whole cafeteria was looking at me.
I hurried away at a brisk walk.
I ripped the back off the phone;
Pulled out the battery, the SIM card, and SD card.
I went into the men’s room;
Bashed the phone against the sink…
Until it was mangled.

Then I dropped it into a toilet and flushed.
Twice.

Then, I walked along the hallway back to my office. I dropped the battery into the break room trash bin.

I walked right up to Avanta; Avanta always smelled like cigarette smoke after she took a break. I asked her, “Avanta, can I borrow your cigarette lighter for a moment?”

She eyed me warily. But, I didn’t move. I just stood there for an uncomfortable moment.

Without looking away, Avanta grabbed her purse;
I grabbed a sticky note from her desk;
She dug out her lighter;
I rolled the SIM and SD cards in the paper;
She handed me the lighter;
I took the lighter and… lit the paper on fire.
And, a voice behind me said, “Sir, what are you doing?” It was Nahim. I suddenly realized both Jerome and Nahim were right behind me. Nahim said, “You’re going to set off the sprinklers!”

Shit!!

I knew the SIM and SD cards were already melted enough to be unusable, so I blew on the paper and waved my hands to clear the smoke. I dropped it all in Avanta’s trash.

I said, “Sorry, Nahim. I was just messing around. My bad.”

Things couldn’t get any better by me standing there talking, so I tossed Avanta her lighter and strode away to my office.

That was the first time I spoke to Exclusivor, though I didn’t know who it was for about another week. And things between her and I got a lot worse before they got better, which is why I think she and I can patch things up again now.

Right now, I’m waiting in an airport. Everyone around me looks worried. A Swedish lady just came up to me and said, “Gude Yelper Ossalla”. I’m not really sure what that means but I know what it means, if you know what I mean.

Of course, they’re all waiting to board a plane bound for the same place I’m going, so it makes sense they’re anxious.

(walking) I’m on the ground here in Zhengzhou, looking for a driver . I was really nervous flying out of Seoul. All that US Military. I’m really happy to be here. But man, it’s eery. I’m walking through the airport and nearly everyone is wearing a mask like mine. I the love masks. They are a big reason why I came here. But: Spooky AF.

In the car. Even in here Zhengzhou, there is hardly anyone on the street. This is a huge city, the size of New York City, I’m told. I’ve hired a driver and we’re the prowl. Last night at the hotel in Seoul, I found a black-market supply of Kaletra on Empire Market. It’s an HIV drug. Apparently HIV patients are selling their surplus as it’s been rumored to prevent the coronavirus.

Okay, back at the hotel now. I got the Kaletra. Kaletra? Kaletra? I dunno. I took my first dose. Hopefully it works. I’m gonna get some sleep now, I have to be up by – Oh, wow, this is great. I’ve been waiting for this call.

D: “Hey, Lita.”

L: “Dude, you were right. You were so right.”

D: “Tell me.”

L: “In a minute. First, if you are still in Mongolia, you need to move.”

D: “I’m not, but thanks.”

L: “Okay, second, are you listening to these recordings after we publish them?”

D: “I listened to the first couple.”

L: “Okay, stop. That’s how they tracked you.”

D: “Hmmph? Oh, you’re right. I didn’t think of that. You think they have access to our account?”

L: “For sure. Look, we only had like eight downloads the first couple of recordings. It’s easy to narrow down who’s listening. Easy to trace.”

D: “Gotcha. Good point. I used Tor but I’ve heard rumors about Tor being a glorified honey pot at this point. Next time I’ll use just tunnel through a server in Tehran or something.”

L: “So, you were one of the downloads, and I was another, we had a download in California, one in Texas and two in the London area.”

D: “That’s six. Where were the last two?”

L: “One in Kiev, one in Arlington, VA.”

D: “Arlington. I know who that one is.”

D&L: “Fishburne.”

L: “Okay, just be careful. If we’re going to do this, you have to stay free.”

D: “Gotcha. But, hey, you called because you said someone contacted you? I’m dying to hear this.”

L: “Right. I don’t really do social media, but I have an old Instagram account. And, this woman found me. DMed me. I did a little research, I think she’s the one who downloaded from Texas.”

D: “Texas, why?”

L: “You’ll see. She got wind of what we are doing. Here’s what she wrote me: ‘Fuck you and that bitch Exclusivor. That bitch killed my best friend and you assholes are trumping her up like Exclusivor is some sort of hero. She’s not a fucking hero. She’s a killer. She killed Claire. I hope you all burn in hell.'”

D: “Damn.”

L: “I know, right? You sure this Exclusivor friend of yours isn’t really who they say she is?”

D: “Yeah, I’m sure. I know all about the Claire stuff. It’s complete BS. I can explain all of that. She didn’t kill her. Not on purpose at least. What else?”

L: “Hold on. Tell me what happened with Claire.”

D: “I can’t right now. Look, I’ll dig up this old stuff I have from those days. I have it all on stashed on a server somewhere. There’s an explanation. And really, this is good. It’ll show you how far back this smear campaign goes. They’ve been trying to discredit her for ages.”

L: “Just tell me right now.”

D: “I want to refresh my memory. Just give me a week, okay? There’s all these police reports and interrogation recordings.”

L: “Fine, but I’m going to look into it, too. What’s Claire’s last name?”

D: “Uh, I want to say Bartholemew? Barton. Claire Barton.”

L: “Okay, I’m going to do some digging. Talk to you.”

D: “Lita? Okay…”

So, I guess, uh, that’s all. I’m going to relax now with some ASMR from outside my window. Feel free to listen and relax with me.

Okay, 3:45am local time. Yesterday, I found a willing driver and he wants to leave at 4:00am so I’m headed downstairs. He’s driving in some supplies for his family. He also speaks English, which is great. He said once we get there, he doesn’t think we’ll be able to leave for a long time, so his minivan is packed to the rafters. So, I’ll check back in when I get there.

“Thank you! Be safe, brother! Love to your family!”

Okay, I just got dropped off. This is crazy. This is crazy. I am in Wuhan, China. I know, I know. But, this is the perfect place to hide, No one will come looking for me at the epicenter of the corona virus outbreak, even if they know I’m here. At least it buys me some time to figure out my next steps. Gotta find a place to stay.

Transcript

Hello.

L: Hey, sorry, just as I call the delivery guys arrive.

No problem. You need to call back?

L: No – hold on (off mic) Just put it over there along the wall.

Is this the new fire retardant couch?

L: Yes. Speaking of which, I can’t talk long today, I’m on the hook for Valentine’s Day dinner.

Ah, yeah. Where are you two going?

L: I don’t know. He’s being coy. Ever since I set the couch on fire, he’s been trying to ‘reconnect’. He has some big day planned. He’s really excited, but it’s going to be brutal.

Well, have fun with that.

L: So, hey, I have two things: One, these recordings are being well-received. Just thought I’d let you know.

Okay, cool.

L: Hey, uh… (hesitantly; kind of dancing around asking) Do you think that if Exclusivor hears these, she’ll come out of hiding?

Who knows? Maybe. That’s not necessarily my goal, though.

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L: It was more fun when she was more public, though.

Oh yeah, for sure.

L: (hesitantly) How about you?

You mean, will I come out of hiding? If she does, I will. My fate is pretty much tied to Exclusivor. As long as she’s on the run, I’m pretty much on the run, too.

L: It’s not much of a life.

Better than prison.

L: So, speaking of which. The second thing I called about, and I just want to be up front here. (pause; then quickly) The FBI visited me.

Shit, already? Fishburne?

L: Yes. (pause). They tracked you to Mongolia.

Really? (Laughs)

L: What’s funny?

I just figured… it’s Mongolia. Who’d be able to track me to Mongolia.

They pretty much sit on the Tor exit nodes nowadays and if you step even a little out of line, they’ll nail you.

You know what? I know what happened. They’re tracking these calls. You’re still using the Tails OS, right?

L: Of course. It updated last night.

Okay. God. This is so strange; I just had a dream about Tor exit nodes a couple of nights ago. It’s been kind of a recurring dream.

L: I don’t have a ton of time today.

I’ll be quick.

In my dream, I’m staring at a row of parked cars. It’s clear they are all retrofitted Drive, Bye auto-driving cars. You can see that antenna. Dead giveaway.

I’m writing down their license plate numbers. I need to figure out which car does not belong. I feel like my life depends on it. You know how dreams are, right? It all makes sense in the dream, but not as much later.

Anyway, in my peripheral vision, I see Sam Fishburne. Between Sam and me: A five-foot-three, one-hundred-ten pound Emo covered in tattoos and piercings, with Lamborghini-colored hair.

L: Exclusivor.

Right. Sam pulls out this gun. It’s huge, like a fucking bazooka, right? He got issues.

He fires and Exclusivor vanishes into thin air. Like, before the bullet gets there. And I see this missile coming right at me. I take off running. The car behind where I just was, explodes. Boom! Proper, too. Like a movie explosion. Boom!

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I’m running. Not away from that WMD in Fishburne’s hands, but toward it.
Toward the gun.
Toward Fishburne.
I can’t control my legs.
Fucking dreams.
I’m like, “the other way – go the other way!”

No sign of Exclusivor
My legs take me down a row of cars.
Toward Fishburne.
And I have to avoid falling debris.
Right in front of me, a bumper falls from the sky
I hurdle it and keep running
I move right, circle around, trying to flank Fishburne.
Where is Exclusivor?
Where is the end of the cars?
They go on forever.

Running crouched.
Legs burning.
Thinking.
As usual, I’m caught in the middle.
Up shit creek, no paddle
Then, I run right into a mirror.

I look up, and inside the car I’m next to is Exclusivor
She motions me in,
Slides over, and I get in the driver’s side.
The car starts up, it’s self-driving, right
We screech out of there
I look in the mirror
And there’s this sinister looking black sedan after us
Fishburne, of course.
I can see that tell-tale antenna on the top
Another auto-driving car
We’re in a chase scene with two auto-driving cars!
Dreams are crazy.

(interlude of car audio)

We’re out on the highway now
Suddenly, a phone rings
Exclusivor punches ‘answer’ on the car’s touch-screen
She politely says, “Hi, Sam”
Exclusivor turns to me, smiles and winks
Sam let’s off a string of expletives.
Exclusivor relaxes in her seat
Lights up a cigarette
Just sitting back, chilling
Sam is going off
Casually, Exclusivor reaches out,
Grabs the steering wheel,
Yanks it toward her
We swerve to the right
And another missile explodes
Just missed us
Took out the car that was right in front of us before we swerved.
Exclusivor lets go of the wheel, and the car’s computer takes over driving again.
Fishburne sounds like he’s about to have a heart attack
Then – this is my dream, but it seems so real, even recounting it, more like a memory.
Then, I grab the wheel, and force the car into the next off ramp.
Exclusivor is like, ‘What are you doing?!?’
We exit the freeway
It’s just a pile of cops, like the amount of cops at the end of Blues B rothers
We’re trapped. …

L: Is that the whole dream?

Weird, right? I’m dreaming about flippin’ Tor exit nodes like I’m in the Matrix or something. And in my dream, I got caught on purpose.

L: Ah, because of the FBI visiting me, you think it’s some sort of premonition.

Well, no. Not really. I guess, though. I guess I just knew that I needed to be more careful.

L: What happened when you woke up?

So, I’ve had dreams like this before. The license plate dream, that’s recurring. Not like this, though. Usually I just remember license plates from my dreams. When I wake up, I write them down, then go break into whatever state’s DMV and see who the plates belong to.

L: Oh … shit … Who did these plates belong to?

Okay, so the ones I remembered and wrote down from this dream all came up snake eyes, except one. The car I got into, the one Exclusivor and I were in, had California plate (honking) 1DBI298. I looked it up, they belonged to the Jeep Sergei Gordova died in.

L: Jesus. (honking) Hey, I gotta go but look, you must have seen that license plate in some of the crime scene photos of Sergei’s Jeep.

I don’t think so. I went back and looked, the plates aren’t visible in any pictures we have on file. And, a couple of months ago when I had this dream, I looked up those plate numbers. One car matched plates belonging to Sam Fishburne’s sister. How would I know that? Until then, I didn’t even know he had a sister! A year ago I had this dream, looked up the plate number, it was a car belonging to a woman named Zoe Gates.

L: Exclusivor?

Not Exclusivor, just a random woman with the same real name. I even flew to California and looked her up to make sure. Followed her to a Starbucks, acted like I was a friend from high school, struck up a conversation and everything. It was bizarre.

L: I feel like you’re pulling my leg here. But, my husband is waiting in the car –

When we first started talking, there were a couple of things you really wanted to discuss, but I refused. Do you remember those?

L: Of course I remember those. It’d blow the roof off-

Well, I’m ready now. Do you want to discuss them?

L: (very conflicted) Yes, but I need to go. It’s Valentine’s Day. My husband is waiting in the car.

Okay, talk to you next time.

L: Hey – be safe okay.

Same to you. You’re in this now, too.

Transcript

Hey, where’ve you been?

L: Sorry I haven’t called lately. Been sick. Do you have a sec?

Uh, yeah.

L: I’m ready to talk about – Oh, come on! Alright, I’ll call you back.

—

L: (upset) Why did you even answer if you were on the toilet?

I didn’t want to miss you. You haven’t been answering your phone or DMs.

L: I was sick!

I didn’t know. I thought you were ghosting me.

L: (nicer) No, I wouldn’t do that. You’re helping me, remember? I was just calling about your message. You said you were `seeing parallels’.

Parallels, yeah.

L: What does that mean?

It means I think Exclusivor is messing with US politics again. I see parallels right now, to 2016.

L: I don’t follow.

Alright, so, back in September 2016 we’re in Kiev. We were celebrating, all of us. Exclusivor, Bitslapt, QueueCueQ, PrairieFire, MassTroll, 808, me and a few others. Lots of fine Russian vodka. We’d just sent Sindictive underground – Oh, Sam Fishburne was there, too.

I think the last time we’d partied with Sam. Cause, things kind of went to hell right after this.

Everyone had way too much to drink and Exclusivor was like, “I bet I can still get Bernie elected.” Bernie Sanders, right? Six weeks before the 2016 election. He’s not even on the ballot. Exclusivor pops off like this when she’s drunk. Does it all the time.

But this one really steamed Fishburne. He’d come up under Hillary in the state department in the early Obama years and was looking forward to getting ahead when she was elected. He and Exclusivor got into an argument. Fishburne shoved Exclusivor, she slapped him, there was this scuffle. We had to break them up.

The thing is, Fishburne knew what we all knew: Exclusivor could do it. Even with a mere month and a half to go. She could get Bernie elected.

But Exclusivor was hammered, so there was also the possibility that by morning she wouldn’t even remember.

The next morning, she did remember. I think it was that shove from Fishburne that did it. Exclusivor doesn’t forget things like that.

For the next week, every time I saw her, Exclusivor was on her computer, wired in, head down. That’s not unusual, she’s a hacker, but after all we’d gone through the previous few months, the rest of us were sleeping, eating, watching movies, relaxing.

We flew back to the US, the FBI put us up at the Watergate Hotel and we go in to the J Edgar Hoover building every day for a month to be debriefed about the whole Sindictive operation. The FBI was trying to understand how we were so effective in stopping him.

The Watergate was great. My flat is only a mile away, but I’m staying at the hotel. Food, drinks, spa, maid service. Plus, everyone is there. It was a party. Loving it.

Exclusivor comes up to me the third night and says, “Hey, we need to stay at your place.” I was like, “No way. As long as the government is paying this tab, I’m staying here.” She said, “I need clean WiFi, I can’t work here. They’re watching me.”

I was like, “take the night off. Let’s go to a movie.” But she was insistent. She said, “just give me your key and security code.” But I was like, No Way I’m letting her have free roam in my house while I’m not there, and No Way am I saying no to Exclusivor. You just don’t do that.

So I left the party palace at the Watergate and moved back in to my boring little flat. I wanted to cry.

Next day, we’re on break at the FBI, I went down to the courtyard and Exclusivor’s sitting by the fountain, head down, wired-in. She suddenly looks up, sees me and motions me over.

She said, “Hey, you any good with audio editing?” I actually was, so I said yes. She had downloaded this open source digital audio editor called Audacity, and she was messing with this audio of Trump. Rearranging his recorded words to say other stuff. She played some of it for me. It was mostly pretty dumb.

L: Wait, I’ve heard these.

Oh yeah?

L: Yeah, there are a bunch of these on that little red external drive you sent me, the one with the black stripe. Exclusivor made those?

She did. Play a couple for me. Just put your phone up close to the speaker.

(Playing them, laughing). Crazy, right? That day by the fountain, she played some and we laughed. They were so bad. The quality sucks. Some were from speeches with cheering in the background, some were from quiet conversations, and from his reality TV show days. They don’t match up.

L: This is like the audio version of bad Photoshopping.

Exactly. Exclusivor was frustrated so I gave her a couple of editing tips. For a few days, I saw her with Audacity pulled up, and then, nothing. It appeared she’d given up.

The next day, we didn’t have meetings at the FBI until the afternoon, so I went to my day job in the morning. I’d hardly been in for months. The young people I work with all adored Bernie. And, they were abuzz again, like they had been in the Spring and early Summer.

I was like, “What’s going on?” And they told me Sanders had been sighted shaking hands here, talking to his campaign manager there. I’m like, damn, Bernie is ramping back up.

In the meantime, Exclusivor is staying at my place, I’m having to cook her dinner. She’s doing all this hacking using my WiFi and I’m getting worried they’re going to trace this back and think I’m doing it, whatever she’s doing.

Then. Early October, boom.

The Trump Pussygate video surfaces and I realize that she’s edited the audio from a bunch of sources. Two days later, Wikileaks publishes 20,000 Podesta emails including the transcripts for Clinton’s closed door Wall Street speeches, and also, where the Democrats are shit-talking Catholics.

An Exclusivor one-two punch.

L: Holy crap. So, her plan was to take down both Trump and Clinton. Jeez. But Sanders wouldn’t be on the ballot, would he?

I guess he’d have to be a write-in, which would be chaos.

L: Can you imagine hand-counting a hundred million write-in ballots?

No.

So, Clinton’s lead plummets. Both she and Trump are in the crosshairs of media and social media. Exclusivor was in high spirits. She sent a text to Fishburne that said, “Suck it!”

By now, she was wired-in almost all the time. Every time I saw her, everywhere I saw her. Head down, earbuds in, on her laptop.

Then, in late October, maybe a week and a half before Election Day, I saw Exclusivor at lunch at the FBI offices. She’s seated with James Comey. (L: Gasp) The director of the FB-fucking-I.

L: No way.

Just the two of them.

L: Oh, I just got the chills.

Because of what we’d done in California, then in Europe, and how we stopped Avanta and Sindictive, we were known and liked at the FBI. They were studying us. Maybe Comey was just having lunch with a rising star. Maybe they were trying to recruit Exclusivor to the Cybercrimes division.

But then, the day after that lunch,

L: The letter to Congress.

Comey writes a letter to Congress: Announcing he was reopening the Clinton Email Server investigation.

When that news broke, I got a message from Exclusivor. Seven syllables. “I told you I could do it.” Later I found out she texted that same message to everyone else who was there that night in Kiev, except Fishburne. To Fishburne sent a link to this video clip: (“how do you like them apples?”)

Fishburne replied, “Fuck you.” She screencapped it, printed it at CVS, framed it and put it on my living room wall. It’s still there.

L: Oh, my God.

She celebrated by chain-smoking on my balcony all evening. She was loving it, absorbed in power, convinced she could alter history. But… by this point, Exclusivor is also frazzled. She hasn’t slept for days, maybe weeks. She’s been laser focused on getting Bernie back in the race. Before that, it was all about exonerating her brother. Exclusivor looks like a ghost.

L: And here is where it all unravels.

Yeah, women come out and defend Trump, saying things like, “That’s just how men talk.” Comey quickly concludes the email investigation. Sanders goes out on the road to campaign, he campaigns hard, but does it for Clinton, not against her.

L: The nail in the coffin. Exclusivor loses.

It backfired. Exclusivor took down Clinton. But instead of handing the Presidency to Sanders, she presented it to Trump.

Fishburne was livid.

L: You know, the irony is, Trump is probably Exclusivor’s biggest critic. Did you see what he tweeted about Exclusivor this morning?

No, no. No, I don’t go on Twitter anymore.

L: Don’t you think Trump could have won anyway?

No, I don’t. I think Exclusivor did it. I think this was Clinton’s election, until that night in Kiev with all that Vodka. Exclusivor was drunk with power.

L: Given what she’s been doing since then, I’d say that’s a bad sign.

It’s a very bad sign.

Transcript

L: Did you see the Washington Post this morning?

Yeah, I did.

L: Is it true?

I don’t know what to believe. Did you see the New York Times headline? Go there.

L: Oh. Okay, wow. So, like, the complete opposite.

180 degrees.

L: Because Exclusivor hacked the Times website?

You got it.

—

L: The Washington Post says that Avanta was not willingly working with Sindictive. It says she was coerced. It says
Sindictive kidnapped her.

I want that to be true. I don’t want to believe Avanta is a terrorist.

L: How did she end up wreaking so much havoc? Wasn’t she with your team?

We worked together at the DoE, actually. I was her boss. But Avanta got mixed up in all of this by accident. An
accident named Sam Fishburne.

L: Oh, right. Fishburne. What happened to Avanta?

I know some of it.

L: Tell me.

Okay. The short version is that Fishburne and Lita were inside the Drive, Bye warehouse in San Jose.

L: Drive, Bye, auto-driving car company?

Right, we were scouting the place. Trying to figure out why Exclusivor had broken in the month before. What was
important about this warehouse?

Sam and Lita did the assault. First thing they did when they got in to the warehouse, they found a computer in a corner
and Lita plugged in a Rubber Ducky. A moment later, Stoney’s laptop gets a reverse shell. A few minutes after that,
Stoney’s moved laterally, he’s in everything, he has video feeds for all the security cameras.

But, there’s like dozens of cameras all over this massive warehouse and it’s difficult to navigate them, so it takes a
few minutes to locate Lita and Sam.

I remember that at one point Avanta is standing next to me. We’re shoulder surfing Stoney. And Avanta is super nervous.
I mean, it’s like watching a tense scene in a movie. Sam and Lita could get busted. And we’re basically helpless to do
anything. Avanta grabbed my hand.

L: Oh, really?

Yeah. Really.

L: What was that like?

I was pleased.

L: What about Fishburne? He’d be mad if he saw that, right?

Undoubtedly. I mean, that’s his girlfriend. And, he hated me.

Anyway there is this set of offices, and Lita and Fishburne were peering through windows. Suddenly, Fishburne sees
something, and he grabs a trash can, and hoists it over his head. He keeps it there for a long time, like five seconds.
Then throws it at the window.

L: What the fuck?

That’s exactly what we all said.

He bashes this window and they reach through it and open the door from the other side.

We’re all yelling at them. What did you do? What is going on? It turns out, their phones weren’t working, they couldn’t
hear us. Later Lita told me that Sam actually said, “Any objections if I bash this window in?” Since he didn’t hear
any, he did it.

L: Did anyone hear it?

Everyone heard it. Astronauts in the International Space Station heard it. “Any objections if I make a fuckload of
noise?” Fishburne. God, what a work of art.

L: So, they got arrested?

So, Stoney is watching all the cameras. To me it’s just this jumble of video feeds, I don’t know which one is showing
what. I mean, one monitor could be from the far corner of the warehouse, or it could be from the hallway of offices.
Stoney somehow knows and he’s like, “security is heading your way!” Sam and Lita appear from that office, then go into
a different office just as the guards arrive. The place is suddenly crawling with people, looking at the broken window,
looking in the office, going every which way. But they don’t go in the room where Lita and Sam are. They don’t know
they’re in there.

L: Wait, is Avanta in there? Is this how she gets kidnapped?

No, Avanta’s with Stoney and me in the hotel room.

L: Okay, but how did Lita and Fishburne get in, in the first place?

Prosthetic Belly.

L: What?

Lita has a fake belly that makes you look pregnant. It’s from an old Halloween costume.

L: How does being pregnant help?

The goal is to get in the door, right? Places like this, they have too many doors to have a person at each one. So they
have a door that only opens if you have a badge. But, you don’t have a badge, you’re not a guest, so how do you get
in? Lots of hackers and pen-testers just try to time it so when someone else is walking in, and they follow them
through the door. But, companies are training people, so tailgating like that doesn’t always work.

However, looking like you are eight months pregnant and about to pop always works.

L: Ahh…. People always hold the door for a pregnant woman.

Yup, and no one bothers making sure she scans her badge. Which is good, cause, Lita didn’t have one.

Once she was in, Lita went around and found the door where Fishburne was waiting, and boom, they’re both in.

L: Jesus, that’s brilliant.

It is brilliant. Lita credits this pen-tester called Jek who does it all the time, too. 100% success.

So –

L: Sorry, one more question. Avanta is in the hotel with you, like two blocks from this. How does she end up getting
involved?

I’m getting to that.

L: Okay. Go ahead.

Where was I?

L: Swarming guards

Right. So, Sam and Lita go into this office, and I hear Lita say, “Oh, no! There’s no door handle!” They couldn’t
open the door from the inside. Basically, they were locked in. So, I take off. I take the stairs down to the hotel
lobby while dialing into the War Room and putting in my AirPods. I run the two blocks from the hotel to this warehouse.
I want to get them out of that office before they are caught. I’m thinking fast, how do I get in? I have a belly, but I
don’t look pregnant. That’s not going to work. If I had more time, I could find a tarp and toss it over the razor wire
fence and climb over. But I didn’t have more time.

I was looking, looking, looking. Come on!! Come on!!

Then I saw it!

L: What did you see?

A rift.

L: A rift!

There was a telephone pole along the fence line.

Because it would be easy for anyone to climb the pole and jump the fence, there was all kinds of extra security to
prevent that: A-200s, Sprengs, teller spikes, Hawkins lids. But, at the bottom, all the security had been defeated by a
nearly invisible rift in the wire, along the pole. It was a busy street zoned multi-use, so the fence couldn’t be
electrified.

L: Someone had cut it.

Someone had cut it.

L: Exclusivor?

Almost for sure. And, that was the problem. It was an Exclusivor-sized hole. I’m way bigger. I couldn’t possibly make
it through.

So Avanta saw it, too, and said, “I’ll go through first.”

L: Avanta was with you?

I was so focused on finding a way through the fence, I didn’t realize she’d followed me from the hotel.

L: She’d followed you from the hotel!

Yup.

L: Oh, no. She followed you! And, she’s gonna get kidnapped!

Avanta shot through the rift on all fours, stood up, and pulled back the fence so I could get my big ass through.

We’re past the fence, but I can’t remember the warehouse layout, I need Stoney to walk me through it. So I said to the
War Room, “hey man, I’d love some good news about security cameras right now.”

Stoney didn’t reply. I figured I’m in a dead spot and I’m like… what to do, what do I do?

Avanta says, “There!” And points to a dumpster. Inside, it’s full of old hard drives. She picks up a heavy one and
chucks it at this window like 20 feet up the wall. Bullseye, first try. Shatters the window.

L: Why does she do that?

I know, I was like, “What are you doing?!” She said, “quick, over here.” She grabs my hand and pulls me into the
shadows near a door.

There wasn’t much room, so we pushed in close together and it was quite wonderful.

L: Oh, holding hands AND snuggling.

It’s still one of my happy places.

L: I’m starting to worry that she’s playing you.

A lot of people have said that.

I guess we were no longer in a dead spot. Suddenly, Stoney spoke in my earbuds and I jumped! He said, “I’m watching
the cameras and I’m tracking your phone’s GPS. Two guys are heading your way.”

A minute later, the door burst open and two security guards came charging out. They ran right by. Didn’t even notice
us. We waited a beat and slid through the door as it closed.

L: You got in.

We got in.

It took a moment for our eyes to adjust. We started walking. Within ten minutes, we were near the hallway of offices.
Avanta had Stoney’s sense of direction.

The hallway was empty. I figured security must have searched the area, didn’t find anyone, and were checking the rest
of the warehouse. Probably checking security footage, too. So we had to hurry.

But, just then, when I was literally about to open on the door holding Fishburne and Lita, we heard someone. We slid
inside the next room.

The room was completely empty except for the table that stood in the far corner. Avanta grabbed my hand. She and led
me to the table in the corner. She hopped up on it, turned and sat. She pulled me to her, grabbed my hand and put it
on her breast, and kissed me.

L: Holy shit.

Spinning, my head was. Blood was rushing places and my mind went fifteen different directions.

When the guards opened the door and came in, Avanta arched her back, grabbed my ass, moving rhythmically, and moaned.

L: God damn. I need to open a window.

Without stopping her movements, she said to the guards, “Do you mind?” Jesus, even I thought she was about to finish.
The guards were like, “Not again.”

L: Hahahaha, they rent that room by the hour!

I guess so. So, the guards watched for a moment, and I was starting to wonder if they were going to pop some popcorn
and stay for an entire show, but then I heard them leave.

L: So, then you went to find Lita and Sam?

I admit, I might have acted like I thought the guards were still there for a little longer.

We waited for a few minutes and I was looking around for a stack of textbooks I could carry when Avanta said, “They’re
gone.” She was looking out the window.

We went into the hall, and opened the door for Lita and Sam. They were really happy to see us.

L: Did Avanta tell Sam about you two?

Good God, no. But I noticed that Avanta couldn’t quite meet Sam’s eyes. Sam was oblivious. He was carrying a lock box
like it was the One Ring of Mordor. He was beaming. Beaming and oblivious.

(She’s playing you again? Maybe Repeat it under the narration for the next paragraph, like Count to Fuck)

Then, a security guard yells, “Stop!” And we started running, and didn’t look back.

Across the open warehouse, down this aisle stacked to the ceiling with auto-parts, around that pillar, back track
because we’re blocked by a pile of boxes, then out a door, to the parking lot, and (!) to the rift in the fence we got
through in the first place. Avanta led us straight to it like she had a homing beacon. I could have never found it
myself.

L: She was playing you.

We all got through the fence as Avanta held it. Then she said, “Oh no, I lost my phone!” She turned, ran back through
the still-open door, back into the warehouse.

L: And…

And we didn’t see her again.

L: She didn’t come back out?

Nope.

L: You didn’t go back for her?

We wanted to. But, we thought, no big deal. She was stupid to go back for a phone, and she got busted. We’ll wait a few
hours, go bail her out and get out of town. We were all using false identities. Happens all the time.

We packed up at the hotel and waited for a call. Nothing. Next day, we went to every nearby precinct to ask around.

L: Nothing?

Nothing.

L: What happened to her?

At that point, we had no idea.

How did Exclusivor and I meet? Yeah, this is a fantastic story, actually.

2016, and I remember this. It was actually during the Republican National Convention. And, I’m riding the Metro in DC, the Red Line. I’d never seen her before. I mean, you’d know if you’d met her before. She took the air – out of the train. I mean she’s one of these people, who … she takes your breath away. From a beauty standpoint, yes, just straight-up, elegant in blue jeans.

I didn’t know who she was, yet. I didn’t know she was an Internet Famous hacker. I knew she was impressively beautiful. So, that was that.

I got to work. I got off the train.

But, then it happened again. So, I have a very stressful job. It’s a stressful job even if, every night, you went home to complete peace and bliss. So, you go home after work, and you have a masseuse waiting… a nice massage, happy ending, a chef prepares anything you want, life in the pillows on the clouds.

If that was your home life, you’d still be incredibly stressed out. The job is just that stressful. So, I’ve got that going on, but I don’t have the cloud-pillows-home-life, my life outside of work is incredibly stressful. I’m being blackmailed. Not the kind of blackmail where you go, ‘well, I’m just going to go to the FBI’, the kind of blackmail that’s working, because you’ve done some stuff that you don’t want to get out, and it’s about to get out.

If I didn’t help, the blackmailer was going to dox me.

So, the second time I see her, she’s at the other end of the train when I get on. But, I still notice her right away. And, over the next couple of stops we get closer and closer, as you know, the Tagno happens. The dance in the morning. People getting on, people getting off. The jostling.

After a couple of stops, we’re standing right next to each other. I’m standing right next to this breathtaking woman.

Have you ever closed your eyes and just walked around your house? Because, what they say about your sensing improving. You know, they say that if you lose the ability to see, the other senses take over. I’ve closed my eyes in my apartment and walked around. If you walk down the hallway, your footsteps sound different if you walk by an open door, as compared to a door that’s closed. The air feels different, smells different, if you are in a room with an open window, compared to a room that doesn’t have an open window. The humidity, the noise from the traffic outside, maybe the smell of flowers, or a diesel truck that just drove by. These are things that are always there, but you just don’t normally notice.

And, I closed my eyes, because I smelled her perfume. And I just wanted to remember that moment.

So, I had my eyes closed, and I remember hearing a woman sobbing. I feel the air around me move, and this woman is just kind of wedging herself in between the sobbing woman and the man that was seated next to her. The man man gives her the stink eye because the woman just pushed her way down. And she leans into this woman who’s sobbing. She starts talking to her. And the woman’s listening. After a minute, she reaches out and grabs this woman’s hands. And, they’re holding hands. And she’s talking to her. And the woman is nodding. And then she gets up, kind of leans over and gives her a hug. Then comes over and stands next to me again.

I don’t know what was said. I don’t know what was said to her.

The next stop, the sobbing woman gets up, gives the breathtaking woman a hug, and got off the train.

It was at the point when the sobbing woman was hugging the breathtaking woman, when I noticed the vest. A bulletproof vest peeking out from underneath and I’m thinking: Fed.

I mean, of course, I mean half the people on the train are feds, but if you have a vest on, right now, and it was one that wasn’t detectable. I’m thinking, this is some high tech vest she has on. I’m figuring if she’s some sort of special agent, she’s probably really good at her job. Because, everyone would want to talk to her.

That’s that, right. Just another day on the train. I get to my stop, I go to get off. I have my backpack on my shoulder… So, there’s an idiot like this at every stop, right. Instead of waiting for people to get off, they start getting on, right? It’s like the same people do this at the elevator, too, right? Let us get off the elevator before you try to get on, okay? There’s always that idiot. People are jostling, I’m trying to get out the door, I’m trying to get the backpack on. I do that thing where you shrug that backpack onto your shoulder, and I do that, but the weight of the backpack isn’t there. And, I turn, just as the doors close, I see through the window of the doors, and the train is pulling away, and I see that beautiful woman, and she has my backpack, she has a knife, and she has a huge smile on her face.

And I’m like, ‘No!’

And, I’m running, I’m chasing this train, and I’m dodging people, and I’m losing this race, in slow motion. It was so maddening.

Basically, if my house caught fire, the only things I would even bother taking were all in that bag. In that backpack, my laptop, my phone, the keys to my apartment, my wallet. The only thing I had was my work badge.

So, I’m at work, and I have to go in. It’s very stressful. People are always trying to hack these Atomic Lathes. I have to tune it, secure it, I’m there almost all day. I do leave early, head back to my apartment, catch management before they leave for the day, get new keys to my apartment, head up, and immediately I can tell: something is different.

You know how I talked about closing your eyes in your apartment, and how the other senses take over. Well, I didn’t walk around with my eyes closed, but my other senses could tell something was different.

For one thing I could see right there on the couch was my backpack. So, I knew the person that stole my backpack was right here in this apartment.

I checked the kitchen: nothing. I checked the half-bath by the front door. Nothing.

I walked down the hall to my bedroom, and there she is. Laying in my bed. That vest I saw earlier? Laying on the bed next to her. She’s asleep. And, I realize, this is my blackmailer. A few minutes later, she wakes up. And, she’s in a lot of pain. Turns out, that’s not a vest, it’s a back brace.

And, the first thing I ask her: “Who are you?”

She says, “They call me Exclusivor.”

I don’t know if I hadn’t crossed paths with her, that I would like my life, as much as I like my life with her in it.

There are so many amazing stories.

But, that didn’t work. Following this release, I got super-busy in life, and ended up not producing another one for months, but I produced a number of trial/test pieces (see Waking/Swim). This one is cringy, pretty much just an argument. I needed to have a whole other voice, or somehow execute it some other way. Well anyway, I was experimenting. Sometimes experiments fail.

Transcript

What a wild ride; I tried to break away from Exclusivor
Only to be ratted out by my Mom!
Now we were on a vanilla bean boat on Tonle Sap Lake in Cambodia

As soon as I walked up the warped wooden plank from the soggy land to the boat
Exclusivor stepped out with a stern look
Pointed at the stern of the boat
Followed me back and said
“What on earth are you doing?
I vouch for you, telling you that you are second in command
And immediately you scurry off in the bugout?
When you doxxed me, I was pissed
I admit this, I was madder than I’ve ever been
I closely guarded my true identity my Whole Life
I was only ever a name
A legend
Never any fingerprints, no hair, no DNA, no pictures, no recordings
You tossed that all away when you told Fishburne
Distinctive, I thought we were friends
You might have just started a war

Oh my God.
Does Exclusivor mean that if she doesn’t get her way, she’s gonna start a war?
I told her: I never asked to be your second in command
I never wanted to help you out
And I’m definitely NOT stealing an Atomic Lathe for you
I feel like a pawn in your game
I feel like for all my problems, you’re to blame
Maybe everyone else idolizes the Legendary Exclusivor
Well, I don’t.
I don’t like you
I don’t want to help you
You are not my friend
You are my nightmare!
I want to divorce myself of everything you are involved in
I am going to turn myself in,
throw myself on their mercy
Find Avanta,
get my job back,
find a mountaintop
and live in peace.

Exclusivor said:
The mountaintop is not an option
Distinctive, you know we are in the middle of a cyber world-war
It’s about to break out and become an entire analog war
You’ve heard of Sindictive, right?
Well, Sindictive wants power
He wants a war to restructure the global power dynamic
In war you can ‘rise up’
I’m sorry I didn’t convey the urgency sooner
The world needs a cyber Switzerland
A neutral party to navigate and negotiate
If we can’t kill the cyber war,
We can fight to prevent it from blowing up into an entire war
Let’s create a cyber-Switzerland, you and me
We show the world how a beautiful life can be lived
Shift the paradigm of government, control and power

Exclusivor, you’ve lied about so many things
Your brother Sergei, your back, this hack and that
Now you have intel about some war?
Why should I believe you?
I had been in my sweet spot
Meaningful job, friends, hacktivism
You want to fight, fight to give me that back
I’m not buying the war thing,
I was fighting in my own way, hacking to help
I hacked Banca de Espana to spread the wealth,
unveil hypocrisy
I don’t want money for money’s sake
Status, for status sake
Fame, for goodness sake
Fight for me, if you want to fight
Stop lying to me
Clear my record, set things right
Me and Avanta, we could reunite
Replenish my spent bank account
You’re the best hacker in the world
Exclusivor, make your next hack giving me my life back

E:
Distinctive, I get where you’re coming from, I really do
I shouldn’t have lied to you;
yes, Sergei is my brother, and, he’s actually alive
I love him, but he’s stoner and lives in Van Nuys
I didn’t lie about my back, just exaggerated
Telling you the truth was too complicated
I’ve learned that when men crave, men cave,
So I wanted you to see me naked, but yeah, that was wicked
I was in a hurry, this situation is dire
The world is catching fire
Distinctive, we’re in the middle of a library-quiet cyber war
No one is winning, but everyone is about to lose
I need you to help start a Virtual Country
A country unbound by geography,
Our people will be the same nationality,
But live no where near each other
Our common bond will be our intellect and our beliefs
We’ll bleed good but never spill blood
We’ll have a flag, a currency, rights
But no army, no taxes, no oil and no land
Our industry will be hacking, and we’ll export our new ideas
We’ll report corruption, watch elections ???

D: A Virtual Country? That’s insane.
E: It’s not insane, I call it Exclusivoria
D: Your a narcissist!
E: If you help me, maybe I’ll rename it Distinctopia
D: Oh. My. God.
E: Whatever it takes, Distinctive
D: Zoe, what if all governments were replaced by Virtual Countries?
E: That would be a dream come true
D: It would be a disaster
E: No taxes, no physical violence;
D: Taxes are collected to provide services
E: My Virtual Government would provide anything necessary
D: Streets, police, firemen?
E: No not that, but we’ll figure it out.
D: What you advocate would create anarchy
E: Think about how much better the world would be if people were grouped by belief, not by geography?
D: We would devolve further into tribalism! The echo chamber of your own bubble would go nuclear!
E: It’s not a perfect plan
D: It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard
E: We’re drafting the Constitution right now; that’s why I brought Lita in
D: Lita buys this BS?
E: Stoney and your mom are in, too
D: You’ve brainwashed them!
E: No, they are just open-minded
D: They are so open-minded, their brain fell out!
E: Distinctive, do you want to lead, or follow?
D: Do I want to …
E: Do you want not to just survive, but to be happy, or do you prefer to wallow?
D: Happiness of cou –
E: Or is the only decision you want to make is whether to spit, or whether to swallow?
D: Exclusivor! Enough! It’s enough.
E: Here’s my offer: I can get your your life back. I’m not sure how, exactly, but I’m sure I can do it, just like you
said. Your job, your apartment, your hacks. I can’t guarantee Avanta, but I can do the rest.
D: There. That. Thank you. That’s all I want.
E: In exchange, you need to steal the Potomac lathe for me.
D: Come on!

Transcript

It felt like everyone in the Lair hated me, because … everyone in the Lair hated me
I didn’t really understand how much, until they tried to kill me

Few hackers living in The Lair would look me in the eye
If they did, they usually glared at me
One guy tattooed “eff off” on the middle finger of his left hand
and flipped me off every time he saw me.
Hahahahaha! I thought that was hilarious
Besides Mom, Stoney and Lita, that dude was my best friend
I called him Bird Man
He called me ” you! Mother!”
I think I liked him more than he liked me
But, the Lair was awesome!
I was falling in love with the place, and the vibe
I kind of wish I hadn’t been such a jerk to Exclusivor
Ehhh…

From the get-go, I had been on Exclusivor’s bad side
And if Exclusivor don’t like you
Nobody like you
And if Nobody like you, chances are they might try to kill you

Case in point, I was hanging out in the hot sun by the huge pool // Immediate start!
Chaise lounger, sipping this weird Cambodian whiskey I really liked
Mentally prepping on how I was going to slip away from this Collective
During the chaos of the next bug out
So, I was sitting, sipping, thinking about slipping
When I felt this crawling, cool caress on my thigh
First thought: that geeky babe from the OSINT team finally noticed me
Nope. It was a snake. Not just any snake
One of Cambodia’s most dangerous snakes
A six foot long Malayan Blue Krait

I yelped a little and leapt higher than Lebron James ever has
From around the pool people looked and pointed at me. Some laughed.
I could have died. From the snake. From the embarrassment.
This is my problem.
In real life, I never fit in.

It could have been worse, though
I yelped, sure, but didn’t scream or run frantically, arms waving
Really, the snake ignored me …
Slithered right by me to the other side of the hot tub
And completely emptied the entire Pool area
People screamed and ran, and the snake cornered one dude. He cried.
To top it off, everyone blamed me for releasing the snake!
Said I faked the yell and the leap, said it was terrible acting!
Exclusivor had done such a masterful job of discrediting me
That even almost being killed by a dangerous snake wasn’t enough to garner sympathy.
I should have never crossed Exclusivor.

After Snakegate died down, and around hacking up new ways to launder the various currencies, real and crypto, Exclusivor revived my embarrassment by telling a story about me that she introduced by playing a video of me walking my apartment, buck naked.

The mansion was so big it had a banquet room
And the banquet room so big it had a video screen
And the video screen was so big that when I was naked on it
Everything looked really big
Every other week, Exclusivor dressed up in an elegant evening gown
Grabbed a mic, and used the room to host a big, fancy banquet
The food was amazing
The booze was top shelf
And free
Everyone dressed in their hacker-best
T-shirt, jeans and Cambodian flip-flops
Usually we just presented ideas, and demonstrated hacks
This time, Exclusivor created a presentation about how she took me down

So, Exclusivor was in front of the room
She made me sit up front, like the teacher’s table in Harry Potter, facing the room
She had a champagne glass in-hand, pacing, talking, gesturing
Teaching a master class in deception and conniving.

She said she had a dream
Bigger than a new app
Bigger than some company
Bigger even than a new form of government
But this dream needed stuff
The Collective had most of this stuff
Tons of money, hackers, researchers, intellectuals
But, it did not have an atomic lathe
And, for her dream to work, she needed an atomic lathe
She started researching how to get access to one
She found an article in my hometown newspaper
An article about me, small town boy
Now a big shot atomic lathe engineer
Usually the US Government doesn’t publicize who runs the lathes
For this very reason.
Security.
State secrets.
Blackmail.

Then her hacker side kicked into gear
She said she searched dozens of breech databases using my name from the article
She filtered and narrowed and researched
Closing her fingers around my digital throat
And squeezing

She found a few of my accounts
Found the associated pre-cracked passwords
Searched other breeches for those passwords
Found dozens of my other accounts
I had used a really long and complicated password
But it was the same really long and complicated password every time
My password re-use gave me away.
She was able to link me not by my anonymous accounts
But by the password I used for each of them!
It was like leaving fingerprints!
I am such an idiot.
She learned that I was a hacker myself
Found all these shady things I had done
Figured, hmm, “I’ll threaten to dox him, and he’ll cave.”
And she was right.

It turns out Starwood Hotels logged the last five IPs used while making reservations
In last year’s major Starwood Hotels breech, Exclusivor found the IPs I’d made reservations from
Tracked those IPs, hacked my ISP, got in the middle
Owned me since March

She said she wanted to put pressure on me
People under pressure make snap decisions, bad decisions
She hacked my Samsung Smart TV’s camera to record me being naked in my apartment
To shame me, she said
She recorded me farting in my sleep
Big, long, loud farts, she said
She found my tax shelter skimmer in the Caymans and shut it down
Squeeze me financially, she said
She hacked my phone and conned me into thinking she would dox me
Scare me, she said
Pressure
Snap decisions
Fingers tightening
Anything for her dream

Exclusivor then said: “Distinctive doxxed me, I was mad, but it’s over, we’re even”
She said: “We need an atomic lathe.”
And it hit me right before she said it
She said, “Distinctive will obtain for us an atomic lathe”

Everyone’s face looked shocked.
Then Exclusivor said:
“This is so important, I’m giving Distinctive the honor of being my second in command.”
The shocked faces erupted in anger
She yelled: “Silence, I’ve made up my mind! He answers only to me!”
The shocked faces were angry, but they complied.
The shocked faces glared at me.
I thought I felt the hate before, but no
Before, what I felt was adoring love compared to this.
Stoney and Lita didn’t look at me
Mom was looking at Exclusivor
The silence made what happen next sound louder than it should have

What happened next was this dude ran into the room, shouting, “Bug out! Bug out!”
Exclusivor said, “What? I thought we had another three weeks!”
He looked ashamed but said, “I’m really sorry. We have an hour, tops.”

It was bedlam.
And, it was my chance to bolt.
Since it was monsoon season most of the people would be on foot
At least as far as Siem Reap, the nearest city
I found Mom and said, “Good news, we’re getting out of here. You and me. They’ll never find us.”
Mom said, “Are you crazy? Of course they’ll find us. Besides, they need you! You can’t abandon them. Sean, I like it here.”
I couldn’t believe it.
I said, “Mom, no way. It can’t last, and they are doing so many shady things. Mom, we have to go.”

Mom finally agreed to go because I had probably the only map of all the minefields in the area
And she didn’t want to die in the bug out
I was tempted to ask Lita and Stoney to come with me,
But I was worried, because it felt like no one was on my side.

I proved that no one was on my side when I trapped that six foot Blue Krait and I set it on myself at the pool
I proved that everyone in the Lair was self-centered and crazy
I proved no one gave a rat’s ass about me.
Fine. Whatever.
We’d take a vanilla boat across the Tonle Sap lake,
Down the Tonle Sap river.
And on to Phnom Phen.
Mom and I would get to the US Consulate, and I could turn myself in, plead for mercy.
But, it was really weird, when we got on that Vanilla boat
Stoney and Lita were already on it
Standing on either side of Exclusivor.

Mom turned to me and said, “I’m so sorry, Sean. I had to tell her. I want to stay, and the Collective needs you.”
Wow.
Mom turned me in.

Wow, the stuff parents do, am I right? What will Distinctive’s Mom do next? We’ll find out, next time, right here. Check out Exclusivor.com in the meantime.

Transcript

Oh man, waking up next to Avanta day in and day out was so fantastic. We made love in the morning, the sunlight peaking through the shear curtains, spilling through the east-facing wall of windows, illuminating her beautiful dark skin, highlighting that cute little birthmark on her inner thigh. A birthmark I am happy to say, I got a close up of each and every morning.

Avanta was always pretty happy about it, too.

After making love, we’d lay there whispering to each other, a pretzel of cuddling, until one of us had to pee, and we’d both get up and shower together, drink coffee, and decide what we wanted to do that day. Did we want to deal with a bitchy Atomic Lathe and be heroes for keeping the world safe, or maybe stroll around the city, take in a museum, visit our friends, then come home early and return to bed. Yes, yes return to bed it was.

I hated waking up from that dream.

It took two weeks to recuperate after Exclusivor sprung me from the hospital. She said she was helping, I said she was kidnapping. The evening she sprung me, we arrived at the parking garage, the trunk opened and a powerful kerosene smell overcame me. My eyes immediately started watering and I blindly jabbed with my crutch just like I planned – and I gave Lita a black eye. Lita was trying to surprise me, but I ruined it. How was I supposed to know that Exclusivor already sprung her and Stoney and we were all flying on a private jet out of the country asap?

Exclusivor was so mad that I not only doxxed her but also tried to assault her with a crutch, that she gave me a bunch of black-market Canadian morphine.

I missed the whole plane ride. The next thing I remember, I was waking up in this huge bedroom in this huge mansion, and my Mom was taking care of me. No, for real. That wasn’t the morphine, it was really my mom, in a mansion.

This place, the other people there nicknamed it The Lair. It was almost a castle, I almost needed Google Maps to find my way around and it was almost packed with hackers, and helpers. Everyone was personally recruited by Exclusivor and thrilled to be there. Hand picked. Mom was having the time of her life.

I was the only one there against my will.

The dining room staff were about the only non-hackers in the Lair. But Samme the Sous Chef said they completely bought into this crazy idea Exclusivor is selling, which I think is madness that will never fly. But, I’m the only one even on the fence about it. Mom was all-in. Lita is possibly the most skeptical person on the planet, and she chugged the Kool-aid.

One morning, about two weeks in to my stay The Lair, which I wasn’t allowed to leave, I told Lita about the Avanta dream. Lita was still working on forgiving me for the black eye, but she said, “Really, Avanta? She’s a little weird for you, isn’t she?”

I said, “Don’t call her weird, I’m in love with her!” Lita tilted her head and said, “In love?!? I think Fishburne rattled your brain. You could never have a weird girlfriend, you’re too straight-laced.” I said, “I want a weird girlfriend!!” … right when Exclusivor walked over. It was like if you are at a club talking loudly over the music and then the music suddenly cuts out.

Exclusivor said, “Okay, Check that box. Distinctive likes his ladies weird.”

I was embarrassed. Again.

I had a lot of embarrassing moments in those first two weeks. Exclusivor never missed a chance, even though Mom disapproved and Mom was practically the only one Exclusivor listened to. Exclusivor often referred to my infamous beating video as the “Fishburne Beat Down” or FBD for short. And Exclusivor had it ready to play any time she wanted to shut-down a conversation with me. Like, when she and I had a disagreement about Atomal or Avanta, or anything, really.

Once, I entered the war-room pointing to my laptop and said to her, “look, I just found this on the FBI web site – because of you, I’m on the Cyber’s Most Wanted List!”

She said, “Oh, boo-hoo, call me when you join me on the Ten Most and we’ll have coffee.” She had a jail-broken and highly customized iPhone to which she said, “Siri, play the beat-down” and the brutal video started playing on every monitor in sight. And, the war-room was wall-to-wall monitors. It was humiliating.

Laughter erupted, of course. What a bunch of brown-nosers kissing up to the alpha-hacker. Most of the guys and half the women were also trying to get in her pants. As-if. Exclusivor was out of everyone’s league.

Lita recovered from her black-eye about the same time I fully recovered from the FBD. Even though I apologized to her, like, a million times and explained I didn’t know it was her letting me out of the trunk of the car, and I didn’t mean to hit her, she was still mad.

Lita referred to the Lair as the Cloud City of Bespin, because of white. The walls, the floors, the furniture, all white. Another group of hackers told her Cloud City was a stupid name. They called it “The Repository”. The OSINT and COMINT teams preferred SO-RAD while the team creating deep fakes for blackmail preferred “Beaver Dam”. It was like a competition.

But whatever, the place was impressive. The insanely rich have all these empty homes run by resentful caretakers barely scraping by. Caretakers who love hackers and rebels and anarchists and loan out the homes willingly. When the caretakers get wind of the owner’s return, the Lair simply bugs out. Samme the Sous Chef said Bug Outs are a frat party mixed with the Amazing Race. Everybody get hammered, packs up the stuff, cleans out the current Lair, divide into small groups, and race to rendezvous at the new Lair, which is sometimes on a whole other continent.

Awesome. Perfect cover for when Mom and I make a break for it. We’ll just disappear.

You know those brown-nosers I mentioned? Exclusivor put a stop to all that nonsense. One day, I’m sitting at Big Ben, this huge grandfather clock in the massive foyer, and I’m on my own laptop again catching up on some old hacks, and starting new ones, mainly to see how much trouble I’d be in if I was apprehended. Answer: a lot.

Then I overheard this Romanian hacker whispering to a hacker recruited from Alaska that Exclusivor was trying to put together a Blue Team. Fear of being stuck on the Blue Team sent both of the bootlickers scurrying for dark corners in order to avoid attracting attention.

I suspected Exclusivor started the rumor herself, so the fanboys would leave her alone.

On the other hand, Exclusivor’s reputation online was so outsized, and her Collective so big that rival hacking collectives like Sindictive’s Syndicate had taken notice and were attacking our network. As good as everyone there was at hacking, no one cared to put ten calories into implementing a real network defense. I knew I would be good at leading that team, but alas, I didn’t intend to stay.

I was gonna be all ‘adios, sayōnara, don’t let the auf wiedersehen hit you in the aloha, I bought a ticket to see-you-the-eff-later!”

During the next Bug-out, I was going to disengage and float away with rest of the garbage.

Transcript

You know, some people suck
They do whatever they want
They take, take, take
Then twist your arm for more
It’s about them them them
They are the center
No one else matters
These people are nightmares
Exclusivor was a nightmare
She was my worst nightmare
But you know what you have to do to these nightmares that suck?
Embrace the suck, love the suck, love it
Fly above it
Fly around it, encircle it
Bend it to your will
Or the suck will pilot you straight downhill

But don’t let it, instead vacuum up the suck, fashion it into a stake,
and pound the stake into the heart of the core of the middle of the soul of the deadly dream
If you dare, you can end the nightmare

Exclusivor was shepherding me out the back exit of the hospital
I was torn; I was happy to be free but it wasn’t really freedom.
From now on, I’d be on the run, a fugitive.
I went from FBI custody to CFH custody
CFH, what’s that? Crazy Effing Hacker
Really, I was being kidnapped, but Exclusivor expertly made me appear an accomplice
I had no way out
I did not understand
Why this CFH needed me so badly.
Why was Exclusivor going to such lengths to secure my help?
And, why won’t she share with me what she wants from me?

And why can’t I wake up?
Is this a dream or a delusion?
Illumination or illusion?
Culmination or Confusion? Yes! I mean, no!
I mean… Aaaaarrrghhhh!

Exclusivor gave me an impatient shove as we exited the hospital
Turns out, she shoved me right into Sam Fishburne
And he’s all like, “whaaattt?”
And I’m all like, “firetruck!”
They’d never met, but Exclusivor immediately knew who he was
Because of that viral video of Fishburne beating me
She glanced a warning at me but looked at him and said, “You must be Sam Fishburne.”
He ignored her and said to me,
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t say anything
I was caught up between a hard place and rock
Between hacker I was growing to hate
And the guy who beat these bruises into my muscles, these cuts onto my skin,
All because I didn’t lead him to Exclusivor
And now Exclusivor’s standing in front of him and he doesn’t realize it
Maybe he should beat himself up.

Exclusivor said, “Sean Harley is going home. He’s been treated like a criminal in this hospital.”
“That’s because he is a – wait, going home? According to who?”
“According to me.”
“And you are?”
“I’m Belinda Bennett. I’m Sean’s counsel.”
“You’re his lawyer?”
“Very good. Yes, that’s what counsel means. I’m his lawyer. Good day, Mr. Fishburne.”
And I was debating: If I turned Exclusivor in… I get my life back.
But, dox a fellow hacker?
Exclusivor turned to walk away
And Fishburne grabbed both of us.
He spun her around, jerked his head toward the hospital and said, “Harley goes back in.”
So she twisted and ducked out of his grip and said, “Touch me again, I dare you.”

Fishburne didn’t touch her again, but he did turn loose with a string of feminine expletives
Starting with letters such as c and b
Let’s just say, he was very blunt but Exclusivor didn’t twitch
Then Fishburne said, “What was your name again?”
Exclusivor leaned in and said, “I’m. Your. Worst. Nightmare.”
Exclusivor had been my worst nightmare,
and I think that’s why I chose then to do it.
I really wanted Exclusivor to be someone else’s nightmare
To wreck someone else’s life,
To fake a broken back in someone else’s bed
Look, I know the FBI still had Stoney and Lita
And, I know Exclusivor said she had my mom
And, I don’t remember what I was thinking, not exactly
I guess I just felt it was the best thing I could do at the time.
So I blurted, “Fishburne, this is Zoe Gates.”

Then, time, both Fishburne and Exclusivor turned slowly to look at me, mouths open. Fishburne looked like a ravenous lion about to dig in to a bloody gazelle. His face read “Yes, I’ve got her, finally!!” Exclusivor was just floored. I’d turned her in. Ratted her out. Her head on a platter for Fishburne. Me, I was just happy to be doing it. I needed her off the street, out of my life. Exclusivor is now someone else’s nightmare!

I felt guilty but also relieved. I’m sure Mom was fine. We’d find her. It was probably just a bluff anyway. I’d barter the FBI for Stoney and Lita. My Atomic Lathe was probably wobbling out of control. I could go back to work, make sure it was okay. My hacking collective was in shambles, I could rebuild it. I’d find Avanta. Yes! I would win back Avanta.
To get it all back, all I had to do was dox a hacker.
Wow, I did that? I doxxed Exclusivor? I take it back! I take it back!

What I expected to happen next, I admit, was Fishburne reading Exclusivor her rights, cuffing her. I expected to go back in the hospital to finish recuperating, to talk to the prosecutors about dropping my charges like they promised, to get an extradition hearing and put a stop to that bs. I had a national security job, they couldn’t really send me to Spain, right? I’d see what I could do to get leniency for Stoney and Lita.
What really happened next was Exclusivor turned and high-tailed it. She was fast! Three steps in, both high heels went flying and she ran barefoot. If that’s what a broken back does to a person, sign me up!

154-ish
So… Exclusivor is a peerless hacker;
smoking hot, rich, borders on genius;
an Oscar-worthy social engineer;
And would give Flojo a run for her money?
How is this fair? It’s not fair.

Fishburne took after her, and I wasn’t sure what to do. Do, I, like, you know, go back to my hospital room? Boy, would Agent Benson be relieved to see me! I waited, because I expected to see Fishburne at any moment. He’d be marching Exclusivor alongside, in handcuffs. And I’d be awake, free from the nightmare.

What really happened was a car nearly ran me over.

This was about ten minutes after Fishburne left in pursuit of Exclusivor. I was just standing there the whole time. In the parking lot, leaning on my crutches. Waiting. A classic Ford LTD came peeling around the corner, squealing and screeching, and of course it was Exclusivor driving.

172-ish
My nightmare is back
She was someone else’s nightmare for all of ten minutes!
The briefest of lifetimes
The best ten minutes I’d had in a month, but I knew I was gonna pay

I don’t know where she got it, but the car had a broken driver’s side window, so I guessed how she got it. Before I knew what was happening – sadly, time did not slow down – Exclusivor got out, unceremoniously shoved me toward the back of the car, cursing about being doxxed. Then she pushed me into an already opened trunk and slammed it closed. For the next thirty minutes, she drove. This time, the squealing and screeching came from me, not the car. I was in a lot of pain and the trunk was full of crap. My mind wasn’t very clear, so I don’t really know how I knew. Maybe it was the sound of the car echoing off the concrete walls. But, I did know for sure that she drove into an underground parking garage.

I had to do something
I had to ignore the pain
I had to ignore the nerves
I had to implore my will
I had to fight
When Exclusivor opened the trunk
I was going to hit her in the face with a crutch

Transcript

Tick, tock. It was about time.

Yesterday Exclusivor came into my hospital room
Said she was my lawyer
She hacked my guard’s phone
She told me she’d get me free

Today, she did it. And, it turns out, just in time.

Tick, tock.

I was watching The Price is Right
My restraints – straps around my wrists – prevented me from even scratching my nose
And it drove me crazy
My meds weren’t working at all
I was clear-headed, but wishing badly for some morphine
Something for the beating Sam Fishburne had given me three days before
The agent guarding me got a call on his phone
He answered, then said, “No way.”
Then he said, “No sir, I don’t know anything about that.”
He ended the call and looked at me and said,
“Someone stole that video from my phone. The one of Fishburne beating you. It’s gone viral.”

He stared at his phone and said to me, “Did you hack my phone?”
I lifted my arms as high as they would go, about six inches and said,
“Benson, how could I hack your phone while sitting here strapped to the bed, no computer or anything?”
The agent looked at me sideways.
I wasn’t telling him, but I knew how it happened
Yesterday Exclusivor had Airdropped him a metasploit payload disguised as a porn video and the agent had stupidly accepted it
It was really a reverse shell. She had total access to his phone.
Exclusivor easily grabbed that video
And, everything else on the phone.

Which explains how she got the agent to unlock my restraints and let me leave the hospital.

So, here’s how it happened.
Exclusivor walked in my room, still playing that she’s my lawyer
She handed a large envelope to the agent
She said, “open it.”
The agent did, then he took out what appeared to be photographs
His face went white
He said, “Where did you get these?”
He knew where: his own phone
Exclusivor said, “Never mind that. If you don’t want your wife seeing those, you’ll do as I say.”

The agent straightened. He said, “Screw you! That’s blackmail!”
I thought: Blackmail – Exclusivor’s good at it
Exclusivor said, “Your call. You already know that beating video has gone viral. In seven minutes, the rest of your phone goes viral, too. Your wife gets those photos, and your boss Special Agent Jackson gets a zip of all your emails about him and how much you think he sucks. It all happens automatically, if I don’t stop it. Arrest me, and nothing can stop them.”
The agent said, “Wait, wait, wait. Wait.”
Tick Tock
“Wait, wait, wait. Wait.”
Tick Tock
“Wait, wait, wait. Wait.”
Tick Tock

Exclusivor just stood there, looking professional in a dressy mini-skirt, hair in a tight bun and wearing thick black glasses. Smokin’ hot.
The agent said, “What do you want?”
Exclusivor said, “Tell Sean where you were sending him on Friday.”
Benson looked down and said, “Spain.”
I was like, “Wait, really?” Exclusivor was telling the truth about being extradited to Spain? No hearing or anything?
Exclusivor then said, “Unlock Sean’s restraints, help him get dressed.”
The agent said, “Okay, but that’s it. That’s the whole deal, right?”
Exclusivor said, “You have six minutes.”
Tick, tock

The agent fumbled for the keys saying, “Now, hold on.”
Five painful minutes later, I was dressed
There was one minute left
Exclusivor said, “Okay, now we walk out of here.”
The agent said, “No, I can’t do that. That’ll cost me my job. That’s too much.”
Exclusivor raised her eyebrows and said, “the clock is ticking.”
Tick tock
The agent looked like he could actually see a clock ticking
In my brain, I could hear it too, Tick Tock
Tick tock

The agent said, “at least tie me up or something.”
Exclusivor said, “Time is up.”
Then, the agent cracked
He said, “You hacked my phone and you’re blackmailing me. I should arrest you right now!”
I actually felt bad for the guy.
Just a smidgen
Been there, dude. Yeah, I been there.
He reached for the backpack he had with him and pulled out handcuffs
He said to Exclusivor
“I’m arresting you for blackmail.”
Then his phone rang.
It was his wife.

He saw the caller ID and I thought he was going to kill me

Get in line, dude.
But, he answered and said, “Hey babe.”
He listened for a moment then said,
“Baby, what photos? I don’t know what you mean.
Baby, it’s probably photoshopped.”
The agent looked panicked and stepped into the bathroom to talk to his wife privately, still pleading with her.
Exclusivor had ruined my life without flinching.
Now she’s ruined this guy’s life to save mine.

This is why Exclusivor is famously ruthless
She always finds a way to pull off the hack.
And usually destroys someone in the process.
We walked out of that room and took the back stairs down to what I thought would be my freedom.

But we ran into Sam Fishburne in the parking lot.

Transcript

It was… a party!!
It was like a party broke out.
The lawyers surrounding my hospital bed were smiling
High fives
There was champagne
Dancing
Cheering
They were excited because I’d agreed
to help them nail Exclusivor
It was a deal
I help them, and when Exclusivor was in custody
Then they would drop most of the charges they’d stacked against me
It was a combination of lawyers from the DA’s office
and a team of federal prosecutors

And I meant it. I’d help ’em. Exclusivor had decimated my life.
I just wanted it back. Take her, whatever. Just return my life.

The party died out and a bit later a nurse came in and said
“Bad news, no more morphine. Your lawyer is making a stink about it.
She wants you sober and clear-minded.”

I’m like, what? My lawyer? “I don’t have a lawyer.”
I mean, any time someone asked me a question, my response was
“I want a lawyer”
Where is Exclusivor? “I want a lawyer”
Who gave you 500 bitcoin? “I want a lawyer”
And, I meant to get a lawyer, but I hadn’t gotten that far
In my defense, the pain meds were pretty cool
I was high as a kite
And, I liked it
That’s probably why I agreed to turn on Exclusivor
Without a lawyer present

Mostly I just moaned in agony and watched game shows on the TV up on the wall
My mom was surely wondering where I was
And also my boss Geraldine was probably freaking out
Someone should be watching my Atomic Lathe, or it would be a disaster
I hadn’t even been arraigned or anything
The cops were probably waiting until after I healed a bit
Obviously they had no interest parading me in a public court room
Looking like a member of Fight Club

I just want to be free.
Secondarily, I’d take a lifetime supply of morphine
Now they say I have a lawyer?
Huh.
I wonder who it is.

Remember that agent who showed me the video of getting beaten by Fishburne?
Instead of being stationed outside my door
Since the party with all the lawyer
He’s been in my room, by my bed
He’s supposed to be watching me watch game shows
But he’s really watching games shows with me
I guess they were worried Exclusivor do something
I dunno. Felt weird though
I didn’t want to go anywhere at all
I was in a lot of pain
It hurt to move
This agent, his name is Benson, looks like he’s too young to shave,
But he’s got the stories of an old war vet
Only thing he won’t discuss is that video on his phone
The one he showed me, where Fishburne is bashing my brains in
Who shot it?
Where did it come from?
Can I use it as evidence?
This agent’s boss came in a couple of times, too
Special Agent Jackson
Jackson wears a permanent look of contempt
The look is so strong that I could taste the smell of it
Benson says Jackson was hacked once.
Hates hackers.

I get it. No one likes to be hacked.
When not watching TV with Benson,
I spent my time wondering, “Who is my lawyer?”
That is, until my lawyer walked in.
Strutted in.

I was eating soup, and had a mouthful of soup
When she swashbuckled her way through the door
As only Exclusivor could
I did a spit take, spitting soup all over the Agent Benson
Exclusivor just waltzed past a group of Agents
Dedicated to finding her
And now she stands next to my bed
Claiming to be my lawyer.
Incredible.

Benson went to my bathroom to clean up,
Which is why he didn’t hear me say “Zoe?! What the hell?”
Benson would have arrested Exclusivor on the spot.
And boom, I’d be a free man.
Exclusivor gave me a mean look and said, “Play along. I’ve got your mom. Act like I’m your lawyer.”
I tried to sit up, but the restraints around my wrist prevented it.

My mom!? Exclusivor’s got my mom?!
What’s that mean? Like, in a locked room or something?
Agent Benson came back before I could ask.
I had told the Feds I’d gladly turn Exclusivor in,
But I had to find out what she was doing to my mom first
Exclusivor looked a lot better
No back brace
Walked easily
I whispered “Leave my mom alone.”
She shook her head and loudly, for the agent,
“Sean, your family is fine. I’m keeping an eye on them. If you cooperate with me, we’ll all be fine. All of us.”

Then she turned to Agent Benson and said
“Please excuse us, we have a privileged meeting”
The agent looked at her and said, “A little young for a lawyer, aren’t you?”
Exclusivor said, “I could say the same, Agent Kiddo. Now get beat it, client-attorney privilege.”
Benson shook his head and said, “Nope, I stay.”

Then Exclusivor said, “Fine.”
And I was like, well she’s not much of a lawyer if she’s fine with that.
Then she just pulled out a laptop – MY LAPTOP!
I’m gonna just say that even though I love my mom.
Seeing my laptop again like that almost made me shout to Benson
“This is Exclusivor, arrest her!!”
But, mom won.

Exclusivor flipped my computer open,
And started asking lawyerly things while typing on it
I can’t remember what she asked, but it sounded like stuff a lawyer would ask
And the whole time, she’s typing, banging away on the keyboard
Agent Benson was on his phone again
Exclusivor said, “Can you turn down the volume?”
The agent was watching some stupid “Near miss” videos on youtube
He said, “No.”
It was a little tense
And a little while later, the Benson exclaimed suddenly
“Oh, yeah!”
I could see his screen
An Airdrop dialogue prompt asking him to accept a file popped up
Before I could tell him to never, even accept Airdrop
If you don’t know what they are,
He tapped okay and a video opened
Then he started “ooo”ing
And he was “aah”ing
He showed me the phone
Someone had sent him porn

After about twenty minutes of loud moaning coming from Agent Benson’s phone
And Exclusivor asking me all these lawyer questions
And typing a lot
And not mentioning anything about Lita, Stoney, Avanta, or Q
And more loud moaning coming from the Benson’s phone
Benson suddenly stood up
And he went to the bathroom
I don’t even want to discuss why
Exclusivor watched him then said,
“Finally. I sent that video to him.
Thought he’d cave a lot quicker.
The video was really a metasploit payload.
For the last twenty minutes,
I’ve been exfiltrating his phone.
Got his, photos, emails, texts.”
Then she asked how I was doing
I was doing terrible, I told her
I didn’t tell her about my deal to turn her in
But, she already knew about it.
She said “They don’t plan to honor the deal. They have a deal with Spain to extradite you for a hack on Banca de Espana.”
Exclusivor would lie about anything to get her way.

I told her that Stoney and Lita had been arrested, too
And that I saw Avanta at work
And that this agent had a video of me being beaten
I started to feel really mad
I almost yelled at her, “You’ve ruined my life!”

Exclusivor didn’t even bat an eye.
She said, “Chill, okay. Your life wasn’t that great before, and now you are friends with me.”
I wanted to said, “Friends?” But honestly, that she considered me a friend was just so flabbergasting.
So flabbergasting, I couldn’t find words.

Then she got up and said, “I’m working on it. I’ll get you out of this.
Don’t worry about your mom, it’s cool. We baked cookies last night.”
Exclusivor left my room, saying she’d be back tomorrow.

Baking cookies? What was I doing?
I should have turned her in anyway.
Boom, I’m out of this.
Get mom out of that.
My laptop would be mine.
I could go back to work.

I decided that I had to set her up
When Exclusivor came back tomorrow,
I’d turn her in, I had to
I was time to think about me

Next episode drops soon, until then, bake some cookies and Chill. Also, check out Exclusivor.com for more.